Best made plans

Today was suppose to be a "lazy" day; one of catching up on a few things and finishing the last of this weeks assignements before I hit hte couch for  some serious T.V. napping. Of course this was all going to happen after church and thenI would feel refreshed to do the montain of laundry and cook the big dinner for tonight. Ahh such wonderful plans toobad none of it happened as I had planned. First I get on the computer and finish myt assignments, did the double check to make sure they were complete as stated when I discovered I had not started one assignment that required major reflection, reading, and brain cells that were alredy on a nap mode. So the debate started in my head about whether I should take the nap as desired or be the student that I should be and do the assignment. Student won and after three hours I made some progress. The laundry became my breaks and the T.V. was just background noise. The nap never happened but I had the cooking of dinner to look forward to.
Are you serious?! As I go to prepare the chicken, deciding to fry it instead of the usual baking I discovered that it was still frozen so more thawing under running water was needed. The coating is made with a wonderful mixture of spices and herbs- no oil! Okay thank goodness for a can of Crisco that I do not remember purchasing to the rescue. MMMMMMMM the sound of the chicken skin sizzling makes my mouth water. Now time to make biscuits- yes have everything. Potatoes to boild for mashing- oops used them the other day for work luncheon - oh well have the back-up instant stuff. Pantry has been robbed for the box is sitting on shelf empty -grrr
"Umm kids dinner is now chicken and biscuits with gravy sorry"
Biscuits become a little overcooked (buthte homemade blueberry jam was deilicious) and the chicken raw in the middle. Yep I live for/love Sunday dinners.
Wow! not what I planned but we talked and laughed and didn't eat as much so the diet wasn't totally blown by all the comfort food I had planned on eating plus my son did the dishes!

A few firsts

Today was a few first for my son, grandaughter, and me. This day started like any other day with the cat howling because he thinks it is his job to wake everyone in the household before dawn. Chores wre done and some homework was completed. I was looking forward to the brunch I was attending for it was a time to have some fellowhip with some wonderful ladies from church, eat some great food ( new recipes were collected yummy), and to make a card or two. The food was excellent, the company enjoyable, yet I did not make a single thing; not even a card. I wish I could say that I did not purchase anything but that would be a very big deal. I love watching and making cards and other crafts when I am at these social events and my collection as well as intentions are great yet I never seem to have the time to do these on my own at home. My children will shake their heads when they see the new stamps and such that I have bought for they know that they will be put into the craft totes thast are already bursting full to be looked at collect dust. I really should confess that I really do take some time to make these creations it jsut is nto as much as I would like too.
The second event that was a first was my granddaughter throwing a loud fit at a store. She is only three weeks old and I have only heard her throw a couple of brief crying spells ( not that I am complaining) yet today at Walmart she woke up mad and hungry and people five aisles could hear her; I was one of them. She created quite the little scene today, so I had to pay for my daughters things while she went to the car and fed the baby. What was so ridiculous is that I checked out and sat inthe car for over 30 minutes while she fed her-I could have shopped more!
The last first is that my son bought his first suit- adlt suit that is. I am not sure why he did for he is 19 and really has no reason to wear one. When I asked him why he just replied "You never know when I might need one." I was surprised how grown up my "baby" looked standing there in the mirror posing with his suit on. I remember when he was in school and I tried to get him to buy a suit to wear to dances and special occasions and he refused; now he owns one. I hope he has a happy event to wear it to soon. I know he is getting ready to leave the nest soon. This young man has taken on the role of being the "man of the house" for a few years. He wanted to go away to college but I couldn't afford it and then when he found out he was going to be an uncle he chose to stay to help out. He deserves to go explore the world and be young. I am torn between encouraging him to go and wanting him to stay so that I can protect him. I know he will succeed and I always lean towards the encouraging him to leave. I so appreciate all that he has done and tell him so.
Well I know these "firsts" were not that exciting but heck for someone like me that lives in a small community a trip to the local Walmart, which is over 30 miles away is like a mini vacation. Man I need to get a more exciting life!

STD Kitty

About a year after my daughter graduated she decided she was an "adult" and wanted to be treated like a roommate and not my child. Basically this meant she wanted all the freedom of living away form home while still living at home. I foolishly agreed to this arrangement with some "rules" that were to be agreed upon by both of us. This was not somehting I would recommend unless thorough thought has been given but that is another story. WIth her new found "freedom" and more room in the new place we had moved into she decided to push a few boundaries by bringing home some additional "roommates" to share her space and push my sanity. After the boyfriend and two dogs had to be asked to leave her next addition to the our house was a kitten. She had gone shopping with a friend and returned with a costly package.
Almost on any given day one can find a litter of kittens seeking a good home at the grocery store, local Walmart or any other gathering place or the animal shelters that are filled to the rafters with these poor adorable creatures begging for someone to rescue them. My daughter however, going against everything I had ever taught her about impule buying bought a kitten at a pet store. Now one would assume that if a kitten was for sale at a high price it must be a special breed and be healthy, unfortunately this was not the case for this purchase. This kitten was an ordinary gray striped kitten that the pet store claimed had its shots but no paper work to verify this fact. She had not only purchased the kitten but also bought a carrier, a food dish, collars, a blanket to put in the carrier and toys. We did not need most of these for we still had a cat -Angel/Lucifer.
When she came home and proudly showed me her newest acquisition I was not pleased. After onelook at this animal I knew something was wrong for its eyes were running and goopy, it nose was also leaking. I told her she needed to take it back for there was no way that I could have an animal that had some disease be in the house and make the other cat sick. She refused and took him to her room with a promise that it was just a cold and it woudl be healthy soon.
Two days later the cat looked worse and the first of several vet office calls began. As she was waiting for the exam she ran into a friend that was there with her sick cat. The friend had an appointment before Alysa and when she over heard the vet say the friend's cat had herpes my daughter thought that was funnny and disgusting at the same time. For most of us the name herpes does not haved a pleasane connotation. My daughter confessed to me that she was glad she would never have to be hear those embarassing words about her sweet young kitten. Well she was wrong her cat also had herpes. As the vet explained it was a virus and they were finding it to be a common one that pets were contracting. The mortification and embarassment set in as well as her concern for the kitten. She was assured that the kitten would be fine, the antibiotics should help and the nice bill needed to be paid.
This was not the end of this kittens problems though for two days later it started scratching it ears and crying in oain when he did so. Another trip to the vet revealed that this kitten had ear mites. These mites were jsut not the ordinary variety or just numbering in the few digits. These mighty mites were large, and multiplying rapidly. The vet was shocked ot see them mate under the micrscope. Because of these mighty mites seemed to be od hte hearty type it would take some costly medicine and several treatments to rid of them; oh and because they were contagious as was the herpes that was still persisting it was decided my cat also should be treated as a preventative. I wish I could say this endeared him to Angel even more but as we all know she is not the friendliest cat and this newest edition to the house was definately not well received by her. I also did not enjoy the daily rituals of forcing medicine down the cats throats and in their ears.
The cat did get healthy and a name besides STD cat as I so affectionately still refer to him as- he is called Sampson. He is my daughter's cat. He cries for her when she leaves, has to be in her lap whenever he can, sleeps with her and his blanket. He still annoys Angel and after three years she still hisses and spit sat him whenever he comes near. I do not htink she will ever forgive him for those first couple weeks of torture withthe medicine dispensing. He has grown into a cat that seems to have some cognitive problems also, I think it the side effects from the being a "healthy" kitten.

Feline Part 2

It was a day of celebration; my daughter, my oldest, my first baby, was graduating from high school. The emotions that day were running the gamet for me. There were the ususal tears of joy, anziety at the maximum for approximaiately thirty people were coming to my tiny two- bedroom apartment. The Lord blessed us that day with sunshine and the temperatures in the 70's, which is unusual for this area in late May. The decorations were festive, the food ready and the people were jovial. The one thing that never really entered my mind was the cat. She was not allowed outside nor had she ever really attempted to try to venture out the door so absent-minded me did not consider the possiblilty that anything terrible would happen to her.
People flowed in and out of the apartment all day and the celebration lasted longinto the evening. As things winded down I finally made it back into the apartment to assess the damages. Besides the usual mess nothing seemed amiss until I could not find my Angel. I searched everywhere, her usual hiding places, calling her name, hoping htat she would come to find me. I tried not to panic as a dreadful feeling that something had happened and prayed that somehow she had not gotten outside unnoticed and was hurt or lost. My son helped me search as did my neighbor/ friend. As the evening became night we still could not locate her. I called some of the guest asking id they had seen her during the party, noone recalled seeing her. My heart sank as I realized that she was not home.
It was two days later that she came out of whereever she was; a mystery that I was not able to solve. She did not look the same and immediately I ws filled with relief and dread. I picked her up to lovingly examine her. Nothing seemed to be broken and she acted hungry. I placed her by her food dish, watching her gingerly eat the food that was awaitng her. It was late evening and made the decision to see how she was the next  morning before taking her to the vet. I carefully took her to bed, petted her and express my gratefullness for her return.
As the sun arose the next morning she seemed fine, nothing amiss except one terrible thing she started growling and hissing everytime she heard a noise or thought someone was going to touch her. My kind loving cat had become this angry monster overnight. I again did a careful exam to make sure there were no obvious injuries except the ones she was now tryong to inflict on me. All was fine. My closest friend and neighbor came up to see me and was so glad to see the cat. They had beem friends too and she was shocked by the monster that swatted and hissed at her.
As time went by I had hoped that this was a phase and she would return to being the Angel sent to me. I am sad to report that she is still a little monster after three years. She does not hiss or spit at me but tread carefully if if you are a stranger or cross her path. She comes to my room at night to be loved and on occasion she will jump in my lap or one of my children's laps to be petted but it is on her time and terms. This is why my children call her "Lucifer" now. I will probably never know what happened that day to her and why she has never recovered from it. Physically she is fine and on her good days she still my Angel.

Feline members of the household

As a premise for a possible story I decided to write about the felines that live in my house. They are not just cats or pets-they are members of the family. They each have such distinct personalities,looks, and quirks that how they get along in this house is amazing. My children and I each have our favorite cat but they all are memebers of the household.
The first cat that joined us is my dear "Angel" or as the kids call her "Lucifer" or Lucy for short. She became a member this family a few months after the divorce. I was living in an apartment complex that forbade pets but Iwas desperate to have a cat that I could come home to after at night after I finished working my two jobs. It was difficult to know that I would come home to an empty apartment every other week when the kids were spending time with the father. I needed something or someone to talk to, to cuddle with, and to take care of for the beta fish was fulfilling my needs as a four-legged pet could. I was fortunate that the owner of the apartment complex was a friend of mine and knew what I was going through. He allowed me to get a cat as long as I kept it indoors and told none of the other tenants that he allowed me to have a pet. I was overjoyed and quickly started my search for the new member of my family and friend. I did not tell the kids what I was doing for I wanted to surprise them. It was getting close to the holiday season and I knew that the selection of kittens would be low and my time was limited also. Imagine my surprise when one day as I was at  the local craft show there was a little sign at one of the booths advertising a kitten that needed a new home. I knew the girl that was sitting there so I asked her the usual questions realizing within a few moment this kitten was the one. I quickly made arrangements to have the kitten brought to my place the next day for I was due to be at work within the hour. That night I felt like a kid waiting for Santa to come; I could hardly sleep and imagine all the great things this kitten would bring to my life. There was ine thing that I knew I was going to do immediately and that was change her name for they had given her a male name and I knew before I had even met her she was my "Angel" that would be her name.
She arrived at the promised time and forgive the cliche but it was love at first sight. She cuddled around my neck and started purring. The former owner told me more of her history. I am not sure how much is true but due to her dislike of being covered I am one to believe her sad beginning in this world. The owner told me that Angel had been resecued at a very young age by her and her friend form being drowned in a sack with the rest of the litter as they were thrown in a pond. My kitten was only one of two that survived this tough beginning, This girl did not wnat ot give her up but she and her mom were allergic to cats and she could not keep her.
The first few hours were setting up the household to accommodate her. I set up the litter box, showed her where her food bowls, and introduced her to the new toys I had purchased that morning. Mainly I did not let her out of my sight as I connected with her. I sat on the futon petting her and letting her explore her new domain. Soon it would be time for the children to return home and I was anxious that they would like her. They had pets from their childhood that they still seen at their fathers so how would they react to having a pet at my place? How could I explain why I had to have her and why they would need to keep her a secret form everyone? They arrived, surprised and soon just as much in love with her as their mother.
 The next few days were a joy and Angel seemed to adjust immediately to the household and living in secret.It ws amusing to watch this cute little fur ball even make friends with the fish that swam around in this unique floating candle bowl that I had changed into a fish bowl.  These two creatures would play chase and kiss each other. Many hours of amusment were spent watching them by us and our friends that were in our secret of having the cat. She was what I needed those long winter months; a friend, a confidant, and more importantly someone to love and love me.
Unfortunately as Spring turned into Summer things changed that I wish I could explain for my little angel became an angry cat that soon no one could be around but me and occasionally the fish.

Sunday Dinners

It has been a tradition in my household to cook a big Sunday dinner, the family is required to be there and we enjoy sharing our week that has passed and the week that is coming. I have tried to keep this tradition going since my children were little and despite the bumps that we have overcome in the past we still are managing to have Sunday dinners most of the time. It has been difficult over the years as my children have grown up and I am now single. There were the years that they had to spend every other Sunday at their Father's house that were the most difficult but now that they are no longer going there and grown we manage to have dinner more often.
I remember when the kids were growing up that I had to establish some rules for these dinners. They were required to be there (of course), no cell phones allowed, and the conversations were to be flowing.Guest could be invited but advanced warning was needed but mainly that we all spent time together.
I cannot count the number of roasts, casseroles, and other dishes that I have made for these dinners. It seems that they were perhaps the biggest meals that I cooked throughout the week. I always cooked too much but hte leftovers were great for lunches at work throughout hte week por creative ways to come up with new dishes later in the week. It was also the only night that desert was served right after dinner; a sweet ending to a great meal.
After dinner we did family things like play games or watch a movie. It seemed to be the way to end a busy week and start another. I was never sure that my children appreciated these evenings until they got older and they had to split their time between households. On the Sundays they were with me they seemed eager to do these traditional things and as time went on they started to ask to spend every Sunday with me.
I tried in the past to have more evenings like Sundays during the week and although they were nice they just were not the same as Sunday dinners. In th emeantime I will continue to cherish the Sunday dinners that I still get to have with my family.
I hope when they have families of their own they have these Sunday dinners with their children and maybe invite Grandma over to join them sometimes. Tonite my Grandaughter (age 2 weeks) joined us at the table. Well it is off to play a game or two and keep the traditions alive. My children are almost done doing the dishes and the games

The delete button

Oh the delete button, what a powerful, amazing thing you are. Located on the keyboard amongst so many others yet the one that can create the most havoc or save me. What would life be like if we had a delete button for other parts of our lives? Would people be using you to wipe parts of their lives away? Would I use you for that purpose? Ther have been movies made about using TV remotes that suddenly giving them the power to mute others or rewind parts of their lives, pause scenes but why would we want that power.
I am a religious person and believe that my life is going ot His plan so whenthese thought senter my mind it scares me for I know they are not right. I am not doubting Him just for clarification; that is not what this is about. I am just batting around an idea for a story about a person that has a delete button and can use it to delete mistakes. I can imagine the lessons to be learned.
We all have used this button more times than we probably care to admit and we all have probably wished that we had a delete button that we can use at certain points in our lives. It sort of reminds me of the "easy" button commercials. We all that in life there is no such "easy" button that we can push and things that we need just magically appear. I think mistakes and trails do happen for a purpose and that as we are told we may never understand why.
This story would be about a boy that has this button and whenever he makes a mistake, whether it be at home, with his firends, or at school he jsut deletes those events from the memories. Would he truly learn anything? Would things be as perfect as he thinks it will be? Hmmmm I will have to think about this story and perhaps as they form will share them.
Stay tuned.

Helplessness

Today, I had a friend cry because she felt so helpless; her daughter is gravely ill and there is little she can do but pray and be there by her daughter's side. In normal circumstances these would be just fine but there are times as mothers that we feel so compelled to do more and yet cannot. It is so difficult to watch someone that is a part of become so ill. We place our faith and trust in the doctors and the Lord ( not necessarily in that order) yet we want to do so much more. This is where we feel so helpless and frustrated that it seems all we can do is cry and worry. We know that the brave faces and the encouraging words help yet they are not enough.
Her feelings were so familiar to me and I too felt helpless when all I could do was hug her and pray for all of them.
As a mother one has a sense that they need to make things better for their children, especially when they are ill. We kiss their boo-boos, soothe their fears, hold them extra tight when they are feeling ill, and pray that they are feeling better soon. Sadly though as they get older or become ill beyond the everyday viruses we can become redendered alomost powerless. This is not a feeeling anyone likes to have especially a mother when it comes to her children.
When we face the possibilty that the child might leave this world these feeling become even more pronounced. It does seem natural that a parent outlie their child even if that child is now an adult and has children of their own. The fears and heartache seems so painful that you feel like you are dying also. The tears flow and the hands begin to ache from the continuous wringing. It seems the mind takes over and the fears and planning that you do not want to phantom take over.
My heart aches for them all and anyone that has ex perienced this tragedy. I am still hanging onto the hope that all will work out as I am sure my firend is. It seems like when someone is going through this situation the helplessness spreads. I am praying and placing my trust and faith where it needs to be- with the Lord.

Butterflies

I was asked recently by my card making friends why I always place a butterfly on my cards; they jokingly call me the "Butterfly Lady." It made me stop and think because until recently butterflies were just a beautiful creation that I enjoyed looking at but did not think of as something that symbolize anything special to me until a last year. So why do I place butterflies on my cards or smile when I think of them?
To me they represent my life and the new journeys that I am taking. They represent the freedom and happiness that I feel. They are so beautiful with the colors symmetrically displayed on their wings, the flittering from flower to flower. floating in the breeze with the world beckoning them below. I know that is not really their lives but to me it is.
When we were children I am sure many of us chased the elusive butterfly as it danced in the air. flittering away the sunny day in a garden of brightly colored flowers, tasting the sweet nectar they offered. We learned to in school how to make art forms that were to symbolize them by putting paint on one side of piece of folded paper and then put the two sides together, gently rub  and then open it up to see our creations.
As we out grow our childish fascinations of these majestic wonders so do the flights of fancy that we associate with them seem to vanish. So again it must be asked why now in this stage of my life do I think of the butterfly as a symbol for my life?
Recently, (ok it seems recently-my how time flies when I am having fun) I was divorced and as I recovered from it I discovered the realization that I had new freedoms and new journeys awaiting me. My wings spread and the flittering from the flowers in the garden of life have given me a renewed sense that is like the sweet nectar the butterflies partake in. I did not plan on this at this stage of my life but am so enjoying the trips. To me the butterfly represents a rebirth or at least a renewed life of opportunities to flutter in the breeze, flitter from flower to flower and see the world as a garden of sweet nectars that await me.

ideas

I am struggling today on deciding what to write about. A steady flow of ideas are not coming I would be happy with just a trickle right now but the well is dry. I have decided that on days like this perhaps the best thing to do is just write whatever comes to me, something suggested in our textbook and what I suggest to my students when they complain about the very same thing. I would like to write about my day but most things that happened are under the confidential umbrella and since I was at work I cannot even write about my granddaughter for I have not seen her.
I am watching the news hoping for inspiration and that is not even working except I am wondering why a student had a handgun in his backpack in the first place. I am sadden for the students that were injured when the studnert dropped his backpack and it went off. Hearing stories like this I cannot help but wonder why he had the gun, what were his intentions? Was he scared , angry, tired of being bullied? Kids and guns are never a good mix-okay people and guns are not a good mix in my opinion. I am not going to start a tirade or even attempt to start anything about guns for as with somethings I know it is a personal choice and I try to respect to disagree with many on this subject.
Hmm still waiting for a good idea to come. Have you ever tried so hard to do something and the more you try the less you seem to succceed? I think this can be the most difficult about this part of the assignment is writing when you seem to have nothing to write about. I am sure something happened today that would make an interesting story but honestly there is nothing even wehn I came home Ihad nothing much to say.
I am learning som new things at work in order to get ready to teach/monitor a clas for high school students that have not passed their ISATs. I will have 12 students and I am looking forward to practice some of the teaching/ classroom management skills I have learned. It will be interesting to be in a classroom with studnets and I am not the assistant but to be seen as the "teacher" a title that seems so unreal still.
Maybe like the writing about about nothing can be sort of cathartic at times for it seems that while I thought there was nothing it seems there jus tlittle things that I need to think about and sort into categories or whereever they need to go so that when a big idea or event happens I can handle it.
Tonight I am attending my BCF class and we will be talking about forgiveness and that is a difficult thing to do at times for many of us -maybe that is why I don't want to delve to far into the recesses of my mind for I  know that later I will have to face issues that I am not sure I am ready to handle yet know that I am never given more than I can handle.
Well I suppose I should end this rambling and move onto some productive work. If you read this I am sorry that it was nothing inspiring. I will admit it started as something "I had to do" but I actually do feel better about sharing the small random things that have enetered my  mind these last few minutes. Perhaps we do not always have to have big ideas or inspirations.
I wish you a blessed day/night.

five generations

I have promised myself and I will also promise all of you that are reading my blogs that they will not all be about the "seriously beautiful" baby that wrapped me around her little, long, graceful fingers so tightly that all I can do is think about her. Unfortunately today that is not the case for I feel the need to share with all of you the happenings of the day. Today was the trip to see the Great-Great Grandmas. Yes these are my Grandmas and we have five generations together for all the ohhs and ahhs plus numerous pictures. There were also the tears and smiles and giggles that follow when one holds a new baby. Seeing these women that have been the matriarchs of their families for so many generations get to hold their first great-grreat- grandchild was so amazing. What did the babe think well she slept throughthe whole thing. Okay to be hinest there were a few eye openings and I think out of the twenty plus pictures taken at each house we managed to get maybe a couple.
Oh how sweet I think it would be to be held, cuddled, loved, and feel so peacefull and content that I could just sleep through the whole event. I know many think, myself included that babies have it so easy. I mean think about it- they sleep (20+ hours a day) wake up  to be fed, changed, dressed, and loved all day long.
Okay while that sounds like fun for a few days I would probably get bored. I apologize for the brief transgression and feel I must get back to the point of this story.
Although Jordyn chose to sleep through most of this visit I am looking forward to showing her the pictures of these wonderful women. I cannot wait to tell her how her Great-Great-Grandma Ruby was the one that made me fall in love wearing heels due to the countless hours she played dress-up in her basement and in the backyard those long far ago summers in my youth. Or how her Great-Great-Grandma Marge was the one that shpwed me how to bake cakes and be the gracious hostess when company showed up unex[pectedly. How it was her that loved to tell stories of the family over and over yet always making them exciting and funny. These two special women will probably not get to share much time with precious little girl because sadly they are aging and time stops for noone. I was fortunate to have these women in my life and will share these gifts with my own granddaughter.
I love looking at old photos of my family and wondering about thoe that I never met and smile at the memories of those that I was so fortunate to meet. It through these people that our own unique histories and stories are created by. Some sadly never get to cherish these and others chose not to. If I can have but one wish for Jordyn is that she too will learn to treasure all the special people that are in her life and that may oe day enter it.
I am not a scrapbooker and am sorry to say that most of the photos are in show boxes and envelopes yet that is okay for when you open up the hope chest or a box you are almost guaranteed to find a treasure of memeories hidden in them. The stories that follow are jus the gift wrapping that holds in the love.

Chains of Anger and Bitterness

Today it overpowered me. I became its slave. I knew it was coming and I let it, even though I knew that I have the strength and the power to fight it. No one wants to be a slave to the anger and bitterness. The weight is so overwhelming and makes it hard to want to breathe. I have been graced with so much joy lately and yet all of it is being crushed and shackled by these chains. The answers were there and yet I chose to do nothing and let it come. I futilely called for help knowing that all I had to do was turn the fight over to Him and yet still did nothing.
The chains wrapped around me tighter, the pain becoming the center of my being. Why am I doing this. I am to be dying to myself and yet I am focusing on myself. It is so easy to blame others and give into these feelings. That is what he wants though surrender. I know that I cannot let him win for he is the wrong one, the evil one. Those that have caused me to feel this pain do not even know how it has consumed me nor do they care. I cannot blame them for it is I that has allowed it to happen. I have allowed this bondage of pity, anger, and bitterness to blind me.
In one last desperate attempt I cry out for His help and ask for forgiveness. The chains loosen and suddenly I am feeling freedom. There is the outpouring of love shining through the clouds. A rainbow appears in my heart. The tears and fears disappear as I realize that all I had to do was ask and He would provide.
When am I going to learn to trust Him? I have been told so many times that the answers are all with Him and yet I allow the darkness to creep in.
There is still the remnants of what has started this battle but the pain is easing. I am given His forgiveness and love. Thank you sweet Jesus. My sins were washed away with your blood on the cross. Only you have the key to these chins that I allow to bind me and make me a slave to these feelings.
I am feeling those feelings of being uplifted. The chains of slavery to feeling of myself are dissipating. I know that I am weak still but the strength of His words is filling me with renewed hope. I do not need to believe in myself for He has already planned my life and I know that I can trust Him to what is best.

What are you Dreaming About?

Today my little one I watched you sleep ion my arms. You cuddled so closely to me and my arms were wrapped around you formng a shield of love and warmth. As I watched you sleep a variety of emotions washed across your innocent face as settled into your nap. I was amazed as the display of frowns and grins flashed across you like the aurora borealis dances across the northern sky. How can one that has only been here for just a few days have so much reeling in her mind as she sleeps? The sighs and groans that accompanied the facial show captivated me. First you would frown and crinkle up your little nose, scrunch up your face and seem about ready to wail; yet all you did was let out this little sigh. Next the grin of your great-granfather's would appear and soon you would be cooing and sighing. What is it that you are dreaming about? Is it your future? Is it the memories and promises the Heavenly Father sent with you? I hope that whatever it is that is beng shown to you in that mind of yours are sources of comfort.
Please know little one that we are dedicated to loving you and trying to provide all that you need in this world. The joy and love that you have already given those of us that are so grateful to have you here is like a breathe of renewed life. Those that have chosen to not be a part of this wonderful time I feel sorry, for htey are missing getting to know the most precious gift God can give anyone a new life. I cannot promise you that there won't be pain and disappointment in your life but know that God has granted those trial and tribulations for a reason.
Everyday I thank Him for you and your mom as well as all the other gifts he has bestowed upon me. My seweet little one thank you for the inspirations and encouragement your short little life has already given me.