reminders

I have been remiss about writing on this spot faithfully as promised to myself; mainly because lately I have been lost in pity and fear. This is something that I thought I would never allow myself to do after some of the great Bible study classes I have taken recently. I have learned how allowing myself to do so sends me into a downward spiral and I become even more self-involved instead of dying to myself and allowing Him to fill me.
I cried at work today and contemplated my future and the decisions I have made over the last few years. I have made many sacrifices although now they do not seem so great. I have worked hard, studied until it felt like my brain was going to explode, and conquered many battles personally. With most of this behind me I ind myself wondering why I am letting a few more battles get to me. Is it I am just tired or am I really making some wrong choices concerning my life?
I was asked recently my plans for next school year and my job-silly me I was honest and said that I hoped to be student teaching and that there was a possibility that it would be somewhere else. OOPS! This has caused so many problems and pressure. The end result after threats and trying to be forced to give a definite answer that I honestly cannot give -"Your position has eliminated and you are being terminated at the end of this school year unless you definitely say you are not leaving to student teach. You will still not be at this school but we will try to place you somewhere else. Oh and you are losing your insurance as of June."
The job is going to be missed for sure but the insurance even more.
But what reminded me to stop the pity party and have the faith I know I am so sinning in not having was reading a classmates post about God saving her sister and unborn child. Thank you for this. I could have gone to church tonight and feel that the words would not have had as much of an impact as this story. So I will try to quit whining -No I will quit whining and throwing a BHPM party.
I will place my fears and doubts where they belong and walk amongst these days knowing that with His help all will happen for a reason.

The End is Near

The end of the semester is so near that I can actually see the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel." It seems that I have lost my motivation and determination to complete the last of the assignments that are required. Perhaps it is due to the frustration I feel towards a professor and that I am so mentally tired that I just seem to not care anymore. My students that I work with can feel my empathy towards them when they complain how overburdened they feel with many assignments being due at the same time. I can so relate but I try to remain encouraging and reaching into the nearly empty barrel of motivation to keep them focused on the tasks at hand.
I so feel the need to share though my frustration towards someone that has been entrusted to teach me and others and while in my opinion has failed in so many ways. I am taking a course that I feel needs feedback on the multiple assignments, guidance on how to write IEPs and yet none is forthcoming, well very little. There was one difficult IEP to write and had to get guidance from others and not the teacher. Talking to others in this class it was discovered that others also had to receive assistance from others and felt frustrated. I try to be patient and understanding but what set me off today was that today 3 days after the assignment was due the professor sends an email with a website that will difficult to navigate but might be helpful in completing the assignment?! REALLY!? After the assignment is due this person offers a small bit of obscure guidance and none from her personally or a note saying hey I know all of you have already completed this but I want to give you some feedback and the opportunity to change it if necessary based on this information I failed to provide you when I should have. My apology." Okay so I am living in a fantasy world I guess. For me I will mark this as another learning experience of what type of teacher I do not want to be.
It has been suggested I write to her and thank her for the information but I will not do so for I am afraid of what else I might say. I also want to desperately call a few other people at LCSC and tell them how unhappy I am about this learning experience I received in this class- I actually feel robbed in some ways.
Okay time to get off of my soap box and get back to work.

Trials

Due to a dyslexic moment several months ago I am now dealing with the ramifications. I know that I need to be careful when I am entering numbers on the keyboard or any other time actually. I, however, did not triple check myself when registering for the Special Ed Praxis. 0354 should have been 0543 even the names are very similar. This has now caused me a night of very restless sleep, tears, prayers, and phone calls.
The people at the ets center can not help me and I was told to just show up and talk to the test administrators there and hope they have room for me and an extra test otherwise I forfeit my money and time.
I feel like a fool for double-triple checking this earlier. I have looked at my admissions ticket several times and when the Lord really opened my eyes I was grateful. I am ashamed though of how I first reacted and the feelings of self-anger I felt.
My wonderful daughter has spent time reminding me where I needed to place my faith, how I should react when He has given us trials and to remain calm. It has been amazing to watch her grow spiritually and have her as a reminder of to react with the Grace and faith He asks of us.
When she reminded me that this is just a small trail and that we will be facing many more as we get ready to start a new journey in a few months. These last few years I have faced many trials and become a stronger person spiritually because of them. I know that He is there for me giving me the strength and knowledge to keep going.
I need to let go of these feelings of discouragement and anxiety. Yes, I made a mistake but it can be corrected. I have the ability to overcome this and know that the journey He has placed me on is going to be fraught with many more trials but they are not to stop me but to take me where He wants me to be.
I will be there Saturday with papers in hand and a faith that this can rectified. I will continue to study and know that the knowledge is there.
The ranting is done along with the self-pity and anger. Thank you Lord.

Breakfast?Dinner?

I am trying to thing of a name for the meal that has breakfast items being served for dinner. Breakner? Dinfast? Supner? Hmmm, I think just Yummy will do for tonight.
We are having a treat for dinner tonight- biscuits and gravy (meatless) and scrambled eggs. I did not choose the menu my children did and they are excited. It is so funny how changing something as simple as when you serve a certain food item can make that food taste so much better. The family gets excited when I make pancakes for dinner or omelets. They even like it when they can have leftover pizza for breakfast; but then again who wouldn't?
At times change can be a good thing like changing meals but we all have experienced the times when change can create chaos. It seems that the closer it comes to trying to get things organized for moving the more chaos reigns. I am trying to find housing which is difficult due to finances being severely lacking when I student teach, not to mention I do not know where that will be exactly. There is also other issues like finding a part time job for me and my daughter, day care for the baby, etc. I know that this summer will be full of me driving around trying to get this all settled before the middle of August. I am trying not to let anxiety or fear even enter the picture. I am already filling out applications and making phone calls which is not easy to do when they ask certain questions that I honestly cannot answer. Some apartment places think I am nuts calling for a possible place in August. If anybody knows of some cheap places that are decent for rent in the Cd'A, Post Falls, Rathdrum area that might be available please let me know.
Well the alarm is sounding so must cook breakfast- wait the noise is the kids whining and it is dinner. Bon Appetite!

free-writing

I have spent many minutes trying to think of something to write about. I do not want to whine about how tires I am from thinking so much (we all are feeling a need for a break I am sure). I do not want to admit that I had the hardest struggle today staying awake in a class today; the teacher asked e in front of the students if I enjoyed my cat nap. I thought I kept my eyes opened the whole time and apologized to him for failing. I could blame the change in the schedule, the exhausting weekend of taking care of the baby as she slowly recovered from her illness, staying up to watch the Hallmark movie about another inspirational teacher that inspired me to keep going. I could do all of these things but it seems senseless and really boring.
I could share my story that I am writing in second person that I am writing but this will be posted in the discussion area so that would be redundant.
I need to study for my special education praxis that I am taking this Saturday (OMG! that is in only five  more days!) Okay I need to write something great and then hit the 5 inch manual to study for that test. Maybe while I am studying I will come across the information needed to write the IEP for a "student" that is ED and GT. I have no clue what to write for benchmarks. I know it would be wrong to write "stay alive" as an objective of one annual goal; the case study says he has attempted suicide twice.
I feel the meed to apologize for this little passage of nothingness. I call it freewriting for that is what it is a way to clear my mind so that I may move onto other things.
 I was hoping to feel inspired to have a great idea to write as I was writing this but there seems to be too much clutter in the brain and this is it! I really need to create a list of topics someday to avoid this rambling on about nothing.
Here is hoping for better inspiration in the near future.

What a Tease

You play peek-a-boo behind the white fluffy covers, revealing the radiance of your warmth at random times. Are you afraid that with your long absence you won't be welcomed or is it that you like playing with us by slowly unveiling your prowess of exciting the world with your presence. Oh you tease, this brief glimpse of what we so desire to happen and then disappearing with no signs of a long visit.
The time of your arrival is overdue. Come out and stay for a visit. All will rejoice at your arrival. Dancing and singing will fill the air.
Brightness that shines as look upon us will blind many with a air of celebration. No! Don't hide or run away. We want you to stay. We need you to stay. Flowers will bloom, bees will buzz, leaves will blossom. It is time for you to come back to us. Warm up the breeze that is blowing.  Fill the streams with the runoff of melting snow.
I am begging you to stop the teasing. Please kind one let us see you for a long stay. Warm us up and dry up the puddles form our tears that we have shed in your absence. You are a welcome stranger here today and every day.
We love you and miss you. These brief visits only make us ache for the days that you will once again grace with your presence.
We can still play a game or two on the occasional days that you need to rest but it is time to come back for that long awaited visit. The seasons are confused when you hide for so long. Things are a tilted askew. No more teasing that you are on your way. Shine down upon us with the glow of your love.
The white fluffy blanket you have been hiding behind has turned dingy gray again turning it to a cold day. Remember the glory days of seasons past when you set so late. We need you. Oh wait can it be the pleas have been heard. Yes I see you-wait! What a tease!

How do we do it?

I just had a conversation with one of my cohorts about all of that we have experienced recently with assignments seemingly overtaking our lives and the overloaded brain cells while trying to deal with the other parts of our lives. We all seem to have been given super human strength to be able to juggle the demands of research papers, chapter assignments, family, work, and hopefully some recreation to rejuvenate.
We offer support when we hear one of our cohorts sending out the distress call, we collaborate on assignments, and we all look at the gleam of light, representing the end, that is shining brighter as the days go by quickly.
Many of us find ourselves reflecting back on all that we have accomplished and wonder "How did I do it?" We are looking forward to being in a classroom again, together as a group of cohorts that can have real conversations and not just discussion posts. I know that since last summer I pull out my sheet that has all of the cohorts I am so fortunate to share this experience with and look at smiling faces knowing that all of us are amazing people with a common goal of wanting to be great educators that are gaining the knowledge to make a difference in so many lives. We have been able to commiserate together, sharing our frustrations and new knowledge of this experience.
For me when people ask "How did you do this?" I smile and say it was through the grace of God, the support of my family and friends, and knowing that my cohorts are there surviving the same thing. We have all learned how important collaboration is in the education field and this so true. We have learned together, supported each other in ways that we probably are unaware of.
I want to thank you all for what you have given me- the support, feedback and encouragement is priceless.
Even though we all know this summer is going to be another whirlwind of knowledge and brain overload the anticipation of this is so exciting.
Have any of you thought about what we can tell the new cohorts? Remember how we all sat there almost a year ago wondering what the summer would be like, hearing the others telling us it would be something we had probably never experienced before, thinking they were being a little too negative ( at least I did) and them having moments when I knew they were so right.
I know that this journey is not coming to an end but just taking a new fork in the road. What better travel mates to share it with.

Kindergartener brings gun to Texas school, 3 hurt

http://headlines.verizon.com/headlines/portals/headlines.portal?_nfpb=true&_pageLabel=headlines_portal_page__article&_article=3414668
 Here is the link to this very sad story. My first reaction was one of astonishment and then prayer before I even read the article. My heart poured out for the two students that were injured (not seriously thankfully) and also for the six year old that brought the gun.
I find myself wondering so many things about this child and his life. Why did he bring the gun? How did he even have access to the gun? Is he going to be okay?
The article talks about the possibility of sending him to an alternative school for 180 days but no other punishment has been decided. For me that is the furthest thing on my mind for I cannot help but thinking first of helping this young child with the issues that led to today's event.
It breaks my heart that at school these days in addition to fire drills we know practice lock-down drills. How as educators do we approach these types of situations to help prevent them from happening in the first place? I try to imagine myself as a teacher in this school and the discussion I know that I will have to have with my students. How can I assure them that this will not happen again in their lives? I can tell them the precautions we try to take at the school but will it be enough?
I look at my beautiful granddaughter and it scares me what type of precautions will schools be taking in the six short years until she starts attending. DO we need to have the security guards with metal detectors at the bus stops and doors? DO we do a pat down or have the technology that is being used at airports? All I keep thinking about for these students is that instead of being greeted by a smiling staff member at the door they are being frisked for weapons.
Am I discouraged- maybe but I will do everything in my power to assure that my students feel safe and secure but more importantly loved and know that I care and that violence is not the answer.
I really do not like sharing this type of bad news but this is not the first article I have read about instances such as this. I remember weeping and holding my two young children when Columbine happened, praying this would never happen again. Now it seems to hardly make the national news. 

It happens in 3's

While trying to decide what to write about for my blog today I found that the biggest decision was what did I want to title it. I seemed to have been torn between the self-pitying title of "Why Me?" or "My Terrible Weekend/ Hope yours was Better"
One of the things I have noticed when it comes to writing is that the title also seems to set the tone and capture the reader's attention. I do not know why this is for I have always been one to believe that you should not judge a book by its cover; forgive the cliche. However, lately it seems that when I am writing it is the title that sets the tone and content for my passage. Looking back it I have noticed that the titles and my blogs seem to lacking lately perhaps due to my feeling uninspired to write and burned out towards doing anything school related, as it seems are some of my cohorts. Hang in there we are almost there!
Okay back to this lovely weekend. I am trying not to have a BHPM day and take a lesson that a beautiful, gracious three month is teaching me this weekend.
My sweet little granddaughter has her first ear infection, double ear infection I should clarify. Now, if anyone reads this and has children we know that this condition can lead to crankiness and irritability for the baby and those trying to comfort the little one. My granddaughter is not the typical baby. One would never know she is not feeling well for she still wakes up smiling and cooing. She looks at me with those big blue eyes with wonderment and seems to be comforting me while I am fretting, along with her mother about her not eating and the diarrhea she is plagued with due to the medicine.
Her mother is also very ill and has just came back from a trip to the ER. Diagnosis bronchitis and fluid in the ear. She needs to take a lesson from her daughter for she is cranky and irritable. I would like to send her to bed instead of listening to her complain and cough all the time. Of course she does not appreciate me telling her this so I am trying ot be quiet and be nice by baking her cookies.
This of course leads to number three on the list of things that are not working well this weekend- my appliances. Well, actually my oven and dryer are the two appliances so far that are not working. My oven does not want to bake the cookies at 350 degrees ( the first batch was in the oven for 11 minutes and very done on the bottom and doughy on the top). I turned the oven up to 375 only to have them become crispy in 8 minutes. I need to call the landlord and hope that maybe in the next month he will return my call. The dryer is refusing to dry clothes. I have ran the same batch three times and they are still damp. I have several loads to do for I foolishly decided that the spring clothes needed to come out of the tote and the winter sweaters needed to be put away. This of course could be why it is snowing outside. (Sorry everyone I really thought it was spring outside.)  I am hoping the laundry will be done by midnight at this rate.
Okay I know better than to have a BHPM attitude and am regretting not being able to go to church which is always a good cure for this malady. I have learned years ago to not ask "What else can go wrong?" for I am usually shown. Instead I will try my best to be gracious about these trial, take the lesson He is teaching from the smallest one in the family and go on with my day. I hope everyone had a good weekend and remember we only have a few weeks left of this semester.
BHPM= Boo Hoo Poor ME

What do you want to be when you grow up?

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I want to be a ....
when I was younger I would have answered this question with the usual answers like most little girls...
a princess, a ballerina, a teacher.
Now I am a grown up and about to become a teacher.
It amazes me that a dream of some many years ago can finally come true and it scares me. It has been a struggle to get here I will not lie. I have spent many years in despair that it would never happen, yet happy that I was at least fortunate to work with kids. Now that it seems that the dream is almost coming true I find myself wondering if this is the right time for it to happen. The wordly ways of politics and other things that I cannot seem to comprehend at times are crashing down around all of us that want to teach. Education is becoming a business or so it seems. I cannot help but wonder if I can produce the product that is going to demanded from me . Maybe it is because I do not see children/ students as a something that can be assembled in an assembly line. Having them taught by computers. There are many things that scare me about the new reforms. At school/ work you feel the effects already and it weighs me down at times.
I want to be a teacher when I grow up! I want to teach children to explore all the possibilities using their strengths and building up their weaknesses. I want to get to know them as individuals, laugh with them and cry with them if need be. I want to high five them when they have a success, teach them right from wrong. Read books, write stories, sing songs off key, make art, and all the other things that will help us learn for m each other.
 So what do I want ot be when I grow up?
 A member of a noble profession - a teacher!

Do I Dare?

All the weeks of waiting and wondering were finally ended today when the results were posted. I just sat there staring at the screen for what seemed to be an eternity. My had frozen on the mouse, unable to make it move to words that dared me to click on them.
I knew that once I clicked on those blue words my fate could be changed temporarily. Did I dare take the chance here at work where a public display of emotions were not allowed. What if my worries came to be and I failed? Could I hold back the tears of disappointment in myself for not doing enough to be prepared? What if it was good news? Could I hold back the excitement and yelps for joy? Would those that I work with understand how difficult that day was and just what these results meant for me and my family?
Click on them- NO don't you can wait until this afternoon- Be strong! A few more hours won't kill you!
CLICK!
Okay just look - you can do this you are a grown woman with a grandchild.
Take a deep breathe- it has to be a mistake! Those numbers cannot be right - can they?
I passed!

Oh my gosh I passed!
Yes!
oops sorry-Guess what my friend I passed the test.
I want to scream but first I must give praise and thanks to the Lord!
"Thank you Lord! I am so grateful for your wisdom and guidance that day. We did it Lord! We did it Lord!"
I want to tell my daughter, my friends, my family.

MONDAY

I find it amazing how one day of the week has perhaps the most negative connotation for so many people. To many Monday is the beginning of the work week or perhaps their school week, something they might not enjoy so therefore Monday becomes negative. I know that on Sunday evenings I can be heard whining about having to the next day being Monday for the same reason. It seems that know matter how nice the weather, or what great things may happen on a Monday just the mention of the word brings moans and groans from the majority.
I am slightly curious as to how it was decided that Monday became the day that we would begin the work/ school week with. It really does confuse people for technically Monday is the second day of the week with Sunday the beginning of the week. Of course I like the idea of starting my week attending church and worshipping the Lord.
When we teach children calendars (days of the week etc,) they do seem confused for Sunday is considered part of the "weekend" meaning the week is ending not starting and they have learned to associate Monday as the beginning of the week.
Mondays have been sung about as the day that "always get people down."
But still I must ask how it started that Monday became such a negative day. we all enjoy the weekend - well at least when we had weekends now people call the weekend whatever days off they may have, and when somebody talks about going back to work or school it is called their "Monday" .
I think we should start celebrating Mondays like we do Fridays!
Kidding Monday is just a day like any other day and I do feel bad about being so negative about it. I do admit though I like Fridays better.

sunshine in a jar

A good friend of mine is doing a lot of traveling to warm sunny places this spring. I will admit I am a bit envious while I sit here in the this dreary weather. I have always wanted to away places and explore locations that I have heard about. Sadly, due to economic circumstances and tie constraints that dream is still on hold.
Every time she leaves I always as her to bring me back a jar of sunshine. Laughing at me (like I am crazy) she leaves and fails to bring me back a jar of sunshine. I asked her why the other day as we were conversing about her next trip she is taking next week. She replied she simply did not know how to capture sunshine in a jar. So I made her a jar; delivered it to her yesterday as we visited.
The jar is simply a Mason jar decorated with flowers, jewels, and hearts. It made her smile as she looked at it. Then she looked at me inquisitively and asked "Now what? What am I suppose to put in it?"
 "Sunshine!" I replied.
We both laughed. I explained that I wanted her to put little things in there from the ports she was visiting on her cruise. Things that make her smile for her smile is my sunshine.
The jar is being packed and I cannot wait to see what she collects in it.
The surprise is that she is going to get to keep the jar or I should say her four year old son will so that they have something to remember the trip.
I already received my sunshine and that is her love and friendship.
Bon Voyage my sweet friend.

Ode to a Nap

It beckons me from afar
The couch with its fluffy pillows
the afghan crocheted by Grandma.

The chores need to be done
It is only midday.

Yawnnnnnnnnnnn
I must resist the temptation
Oh if only I could just lie down

Yes, just a short rest -
close the eyes and shut down the mind,
the T.V turned down low to diffuse the outside noise

No I must resist!
There is so much to do
The world is spinning
The bones are groaning.

Just a short rest won't harm
There will still be time later on

MMMMMM yes this is the spot
Eyes are heavy
The blanket comfy warm
Oh how refreshed I will feel in a few

Phone rings,
baby cries,
idea for assignment finally comes.

The nap is no longer
Oh how I longed
Only six more hours and the day will be done!

Anniversary of Freedom from Bondage

Five years ago I say in the courtroom, an empty shell, under the threats that he had made that morning. I kept my mouth shut as promised, letting him strip me of the possessions I no longer treasured. All I wanted was to be free and my children, but I had even compromised on those. The judge looked at me with confusion asking time and time again if this is what I agreed to as he read over the final papers. I could not speak but mumbled my compliance. After it was all done and I left the building I knew it was not over and the overwhelming dread was setting in.
I drove to a friend's house, knowing she was not there and cried; no sobbed. The fear, grief, and anger seemed to overwhelm me. I was alone, no home, no marriage, nothing including myself. He had finally won! He was home making the wedding plans and I was sitting in a van that was not even mine but given to me out of the graciousness of a man that knew the cost was more than I could handle.
After spending hours crying, raving at what I thought was an unjust God (please forgive me!) I drove aimlessly for hours with nowhere to go. I couldn't even see my kids that day for he was scheduled to have this week while I waited for the miracle of having a home to happen. How I could let this happen? When did I stop existing? After the years of being told I was a nothing I realized that is what I had tried to become- a nothing. I went to work at my job that night, smiling at the customers, hoping that time would just stop so I did not have to go back to that house and pretend that I was all right. My son would be there but so would he. Our daughter was due home tomorrow and that facade of a happy divorce would have to continue. Would he just go to his room and be on the phone with her or would spend the night torturing me with that victorious look as he continued to put me in my place and remind me how I should be so grateful that he was still allowing me to be there.
It took months - years to finally recover from this day that happened five years ago. I am so grateful to the Lord for showing me that it was not the end but the beginning of a victorious life full of love and triumph. I am somebody! I have more riches than I can ever count. I am still discovering things about myself with this freedom.
Yes I am somebody-I am Carrie! A woman with a bright future, a wonderful family, friends, and a God that has enriched my life in faith.
Happy Anniversary!

Fairy tale

Once upon a short time soon in the future in a land not so far away was as school. In this school were teachers that were happy, considered respected members of the community, and highly paid for all they did for the students entrusted in their care. The students eagerly attended school every day, anticpating the discovery and exploration of knowledge that would enrapture their minds. Parents attended conferences and resepected the opinions of the adminstrators when on the rare occassion discipline had to be dealt.
This school was filled with the latest technology to offer the students access to worlds beyond their community. Library shelves bowed down from the excessive weight of the books stacked upon them. Supplies were never in short supply and the curriculum was designed acknowledging the difference amongst learners . Staff memebers collaborated amongst themselves to ensure that students needs were being met in each and every class. The idea of teaching to a standardized test was a laughable obscure idea that would never come to pass.
The work lunatic was never mentioned let alone associated with those that were in charge of education at the legislative level.
Oh if only this weren't a fairy tale but how all seen education.
It is the way we make futrure leaders and the great citizens of the society we all live in.
My question is why does it have to be only a fairy tale?

Waiting

I have been waiting for an eternity! The hyberbole of time knows no bounds when it comes to range of emotions while I wait to hear from you. I know the news will not be what I am hoping to hear yet my life hangs in the precarious balance. The power you must feel knowing that I am anxiously checking everyday. The anticipation keeping me awake. The dread of impending doom weighing on my shoulders, dragging me into the trenches of despair.
Why do you insist on keeping quiet? I know the limits of time means nothing to you but my whole life hinges on what you say. Tell me! Tell! Me! Now! I beg of you the suspense is worse than any punishment you can give me. Tell me I failed and I will still rejoice with glee that at least you had the courtesy to let me know.
Patience I am told is good but so is being courteous. Everyday I race to the site in hopes to see that you have given me the scores. The suspense is killing me. My fingers are tingling with the urge to go there again in hopes that you have become kind in the short amount time since I last attempted to contact you. Why do insist on torturing me like this. I know that I am not the only one you have awaiting the news and I feel for them. We all are powerless against you. Post them please.

Time flies

It is Monday already and I feel like the week is already come to past. Forhte first time in almost seven years we had school on a Friday last week. For reasons that are obvious to me I seem to have lost some valuable time to get things done. I seem to be behind on the homework for this week and spent the time this last weekend playing catch-up from the time I spend on Fridays. My children are laughing at me for I am already stressing about getting everything done for this week. Of course it does not help that I had to leave work to take the baby to the doctor in Sandpoint for her first illness appointment (just abad cold Thank the Lord!) and that put me behind for tonight. It also did not help that when we got home we had some unexpected company which was a nice surprise but put me two hours behind for the evening.
It seems that once I get a little behind the catch-up game becomes a race of what can I do now and what can I put off until tomorrow. Prioritizing is not a strong suit of mine although it use to be and I need to get back to that organziational skill that has made me successful so far. The trouble is I feel that everything is important and they all are needing to be completed around the same time so how can I choose what to do first?
As I am sitting here typing this I realize that I am doing BHPM which is not getting me anywhere but in a more downward spiral. Wat happened to my promise of sharing happiness. It is only Monday I have the whole week to get the work done- well not tomorrow for that is Bible study class, and that leaves Wednesday to finish the two assignments due Thursday, then that leaves Thursday to complete the paper due Friday by noon. Yep I have the whole week to get it done!
Wow time does fly for I have written for the allotted time and feel better.

little things everywhere

It is so amazing how a little one can take over a household. As I looked around my house trying to find one clean spot I realized that most of the stuff was the babies. There is little socks and clothes everywhere which as we speak her mother is picking up. Her floor playmat on the floor along with her bouncy massage chair (oh how I wish they made these for adults), the baby supplies, etc. Okay I will take blame for the little socks for my favorite nightly ritual is to take her socks off her little feet, blow on the toes as they curl up, and then give her a foot massage. She loves it. She starts cooing and gurggling with a big smile that makes all the stress from the day just melt away. Her smile is so infectious.
Now she is getting to the stage of needing toys so when we were at Walmart I had to buy her a new floor playmat and other toys. The floor mat she had was for tummy tie and the new one has things that hang down (justification). The funny part is I am just as guilty for letting these little things take over my house for she has taken over my heart and world.
We are moving to a new town this summer and I am dread of they move to their own place. I will admit there are times when I think how nice it would be to have a grown up house again. My children are grown and I deserve to have the place to myself where there is no bickering about which show to watch or who has to clean up the mess. I laugh when I think that now for I am not one that likes to live alone. I relish the noise, having someone to come home to or expecting to come home.
My friends say I need to think about getting into the relationship phase again for it has been almost 5 years since the divorce but I have a full life and that is not what I want now.
I will take the clutter of little things and cherish them. Yes it would be nice to enter at least one room in my place and see a baby item there but I know that all too soon she too will grow up and theses days will be gone. So I will look around again and see that these little things are treasures of a time that will past by too fast.

A world gone mad

It seems lately that everybody is mad. My parents are angry at each other ad my sister, don't seem to want to talk to me either, the kids are fighting at my house, co workers are grumpy and then I red that there was a school shooting someplace. Times are hard and people seem to be lost and angry at each other. I admit there are days lately when I am not feeling too happy and would just like to scream. Here at home I am trying to be the peace keeper but the more I fail the louder my voice is becoming which does not help.
I try not to become discouraged but it seems that a big dose of happiness is needed around the world. At work we are having a March Gladness contest where the staff is asked to write sayings of happiness and students judge the sayings. We were all placed into brackets and eliminated as the week goes by. I tried to see what the staff was writing hoping some of it would rub off on me but truthfully it didn't work. Maybe because some of the people just chose not to do it and the sayings were not very cheerful. I won the day I was to do a saying but was approached by a staff member that had lost to let him take my next turn. I agreed for it seemed to mean alot to him to have another chance, He lost again today. 
I think part of the problem might be that misery loves company or so we are told but that is not the way it should be. we all want happiness so I am making a resolution to share some happiness by first apologizing to the whining in the first part of this blog and then second sharing my saying with the rest of you in the hopes that we all can try to find some happiness and share it with others.
Place a smile on your face- it plants the seed of happiness in someone else's heart! :)

Popcorn

How do you eat popcorn?
Do you smother it with lots of butter and salt? I do after I air pop it under the guise of making it more healthy. Can anyone just eat one popped kernel and then walk away -like they claim you cannot do with Lays potato chips. I know I can't just eat one or two. I am the only one in my family that really likes popcorn yet when I make a batch I make a large bowl so I can eat it for a day or two. Yep it only last a day or two. Every time I walk by I have to grab a mouthful then cram it into my mouth as white stuff goes flying onto the floor and down my shirt.
It always amazes me when I go to get undressed at night after eating popcorn to find a secret "stash" for the midnight munchies in my bra. (I cannot I am admitting to this) In my mind I can picture many of you giggling - but admit it there has to be at least one other person (Female) that has found something in their clothing (bra) at one time or another.
Popcorn to me is like a guilty pleasure. I cannot go the movies without ordering a extra large tub that I manage to consume at least more than half before the previews are over. It was the one snack I had to have every night when I was pregnant with both children. It can be topped with so many decadent toppings that range from sweet to salty to spicy (although that is not one of my favorite ways).
The tragedy though is that as I am getting on in years I cannot eat popcorn without some consequences later. It seems to not like my digestive system anymore so I am limited to the times I can eat my little delicate buds of white, buttery goodness. I long for the days in the past when I could consume the large bowl and dream of another tomorrow.
The sweet sound of kernels popping open, beckoning me to consume you has come again. Oh the sweet taste of butter and salt that coat my lips, pieces flying everywhere as I greedily consume you. The suffering of later cannot diminish the pleasure of now.
Time to munch!

Chris Crutcher

Today, this author came to our school to speak to kids about ? Well I was hoping it was about writing or about how to never give up in life but I was wrong. I am not saying I did not enjoy hearing him speak for he talked of his childhood and how he got the ideas for his characters but I guess I wanted more this time. I have heard him speak before; last year actually. The kids enjoyed his stories and asked great questions yet perhaps that is what is bothering me the most is the questions asked. I wanted the students to ask more questions about the writing process not just about who certain characters were based upon. Chris did a good job of telling how he blends different stories of people he knows  into a rich character or plot of a story. He did tell about how when he can't get past the first two chapters of a story he stops and tries from a different perspective of the character of even form a different characters point of view.
I am hoping that somewhere in that auditorium was a student that felt a spark to write or read a book. Here is a gentleman that is from a small town in Idaho that has been a teacher, a counselor, and now a published author that gets his books banned even in his own home town. To me if I was their age I would thing "WOW!" maybe I can do something cool too!"
I am not a mind reader so perhaps there was one. All I know for sure is that I was not feeling the spark myself. He still is great to listen to and if I have time again someday in my life I am hoping to read some more of his books. In the meantime, I will keep practicing my own writing skills in this class.

North Idaho's fifth season

The other day a friend that has only recently moved to this wonderful area asked if this was North Idaho's fifth season- the "Mucky Mud" season? After I stopped giggling I told her yes. Here in this area we are "fortunate" to have an extra season that causes people to scratch their heads in bewilderment as what to do and what to wear.
For people that are not aware of this season let me descdcribe it for you.
The Mucky Mud season is the season that falls between the end of winter and the beginning of spring. Sadly it is not a pretty season hence the lack of recognition by many. This season consists of dreary gray skies that drp precipitation in the form of snow, rain or mixture of frozen ball of moisture. The fleeting promise of warm sunny days do not disspell the gooey mess one will find with each step. The large mounds of what was once gleaming white mountains of plowed snow are melting into puddles of dirty water. Rivers flow along the streets attempting to drain into the glogged sewer grates. Yards become a slushy haphazard of quicksand, entrapping the shoes of the pedestrian foolishly attempt the dangerous crossing.
Drivers that had the victorious feeling of traveling across icy, compact snow ridden roads are getting stuck on the slimy mucky mud. Homeowners are now forced to park down the lane to avoid getting stuck in the gooey, flying from your tires, brown sludge.
Put away are the snow boots and out comes the golashes. These arer left out on the porch to dry over night so as not leave the tracks of the criminal that dared entered the house leaving a trail of mud behind.
Oh there are the good parts of the mucky mud season- I am sure there are. The outside temperature are rising, nature made mini-lakes are forming for splashing of little feet causing squeals of delight as they splash each other. The webbing between the toes only causes temporary quacking amongst humans and gives extra traction as one attempts to sludge their way to their destinations.
Yes we have the privlege of having five seasons here in North Idaho: Winter, Mucky Mud, Spring, Summer and Fall. Oh Joy!

Are you sure....?

Today was a somber day at school. It was not a surprise to many including myself with the events that have been happening at the state legislative level. We all have heard the opinions of our legistlators as they pass the bills that in my opinion are killing the education system in our state. With all this hanging in the air the voters sadly voted against the levy in our district. On top of this the accreditation team was at our school today to review our application and interview staff. We all had to pretend that we were not heart broken by the recent events for them and for our students. It was hard to hear the students ask about the rumors that were spreading like wildfire about which teachers would be fired and what programs we would not have next year. The athletes grieving for the loss of the ability to play. the students that participate in the fine arts (band, choir, drama) wondering what now and the teachers trying their best to reassure them that nothing was set in stone. The news that the budget for the levy will be reassessed and ran again in June did not alleviate any of the unknowns amongst the mass.
I had to ask myself this morning as I watched the news if I would have felt better if the voters in the other district had voted against the levies in the three other districts. Those districts were fortunate to have a "Yes" vote and the students in those districts will not hopefully the ramifications of the budget cuts.
So the question in the title "Are you sure...?" Well that was finished by the following words: "you want to be a teacher?" Yep that statement was asked today by a teacher that expressed her disheartment. Under any other circumstances I would have been offended; taking this question as a question of my ability to teach. I did not take it this way.  My answer was "Yes." As I stated this simple one word answer it was not as enthusiastic as it should have been however, I do want to be a teacher. I still believe in the public education system. I believe, as many do that are already in this noble profession, we have a passion to teach and that this is hopefully a temporary bump in the road.
I will admit I wonder what happened to education being the main priority as many politicians tell us. Lately we have seen it be the first to see many financial hits and bad publicity. I will defend the education system and stand by my hope to be a teacher someday. Yes there have been days that I doubt this attitude but I know that we all have been put on this path to share this gift.

Chattering

I am sitting in a class that should be quiet except for the noise of keys clicking on the key board as the students frantically race to finish their final attempt of their outline. I am amazed as I wonder around the room how few are near completion and  how many are visiting with their neighbor. I am not assigned to this class and the teacher is not one that welcomes help when paras are assigned to assist students in his class. I have learned years ago that it is best to take my students to another room whenever possible so that we may work in a more quiet environment.
I have noticed over the years that the students seem to have become more apathetic towards completing assignments these days. Mid-term grades come out today and the parent teacher conferences happen tonight and Thursday. Yesterday I observed many students checking their grades on the computer, some frantically trying to figure out where the missing assignments were so that they may turn them in as a last desperate attempt to bring them up. I have sat in the classes, hearing the teachers inform the students that all late work was due last week- at the end of the mid -term. I wish that many of these students cared throughout the grading period instead of just when grades are being sent to the parents.
It is days like this that make me wonder how I can motivate my own class of students to be come motivated learners throughout their educational career. I want them to become satisfied with the intrinsic rewards they will come to appreciate as they put forth their best efforts.
Well the chattering is getting quieter as the bell is getting to ring. The teacher is begging for the outlines and the line is very short to his area and getting very long to the door.
I hope parents show up tonite to the conferences and go to the polls to vote for the levy.

It's Coming

It's coming!
Look around you!
Can you see it?
Can you feel it?
Take a big breathe as you step outside.

Don't be fooled by the occasional flurry.
Look at people.
Gone are the dark colors, the heavy coats, mittens and hats.
Colors abound are appearing.
Sandals are on their feet,
Pant legs and skirts becoming shorter.

Pedestrians are filling the sidewalks,
Smiling as they pass each other
Nodding with acknowledgement of the arrival.
Moms with the babes in strollers,
Kids on their bikes
Filling the streets.

The birds are flocking to the trees;
Eating the berries of last fall.
Drunken with the wine and sunshine.
The gathering of twigs and leaves to make the nests.
The sweet sound of the twittering greet all in the morning.

Squirrels traveling from branch to branch
Searching for the forgotten acorn
Chattering at the cats as they lounge in the sun.
Dogs discovering the long ago lost toys in the banks of snow.
Those that have hibernated the winter away awakening.


It has been so long.
At times the dismal feelings overwhelming,
Now the zeal of new life and hope is bubbling up.
Songs of hope and love humming abound.
Warmth replaces the coldness of the long nights.
Oh yes it is coming!

It is glorious promise of rainbows,
Rain showers replacing blizzards,
Long lines at the car washes
Spraying off the grime and waxing to a shine.
Brown grass changing to green.

We welcome your arrival
We celebrate the promise of new births
Branches bursting with buds,
Flowers poking their heads up through the frozen ground,
Puddles being splashed with little feet in golashes.

Spring is coming!
It is almost here.
Set the clocks ahead
Replace the shovels with rakes.
Look around
It's coming!

Saturday

I wish that I could say that I accomplish everything that I wanted to accomplish today but I did not. I can list the excuses but they are just that excuses. I hate days like today when I set goals then find reasons for not accomplishing them. I never use to be this type of person. Six months ago, I was able to set goals and get them done, not stopping until all was accomplished.
It was a total unproductive day for I managed to clean the house, spend time with the grandbaby (her mom is now back to work so I have babysitting duties) and I read several of the game cards that are part of the game "Who is Smarter than a Fifth Grader." I am not smarter than a 5th grader. I was doing this as part of studying for my Praxis which is one week from today.
I so need to get ahead on my homework so that I can spend a majority of the week studying for this test. I am trying to not let the stress of one test that has the whole balance of the rest of my life affect me but I think I am failing at that also. I have a good start on many of the assignments yet cannot seem to finish them.
I have also failed to have any quality time with my son, which I think is what is really bothering me the most. Lately we have been arguing a lot and I am trying to not have this happen. He is not sleeping and is in a depression that is starting to worry me but no matter what I say or try to do it is the wrong thing according to him. I will just keep trying and tell him that I love him and pray that this will pass soon.
The baby is finally asleep but her mom will be calling for a ride in about 10 minutes so I cannot see the reason to start working on an assignment- yep there is another excuse.
I need to remind myself about the saying about excuses and dirty diapers have one thing in common -Crap!
Here is to a better night and a more productive day tomorrow- for you know what they say about tomorrow -"The sun will come out tomorrow -bet your bottom dollar that there will be sun tomorrow!"
now the song is stuck in your head as well!

Mother's Tears

A Mother's tears are special tears
They begin when you first hold the most precious gift from God and keep flowing as the years go by so quickly that soon you are watching your own daughter shed her own tears as a Mom.
As the children grow the tears flow from joy as they discover their way through the world. You laugh and cry in celebration as they take their first steps. A Mom will shed many tears in frustration as they hold their sick child that is crying in pain. The tears that flow as the laughter explodes when they say the silliest things and look at you with wonderment if what is wrong with you.
There will be the tears as they leave on the school bus for the first time. Standing there in the corner watching the big yellow bus take away your child to start the newest chapter of their life. Tears of pride as they stand on the stage playing their musical instrument off key and yet to your years sounding as if they playing like prodigy performing with a symphony.
As they get older there will be the tears that you share as they feel the heart ache of a broken heart. Hoping that the right words of comfort will ease their pain, promising that they will survive and love again.
Sharing the tears that you both shed as you tell them that the family is breaking apart and soon you will be living in a new home. Seeing the pain that overwhelms as they search for their own answers and try to comfort you that they understand with love and disappointment trying not to take over.
 Soon they are graduating from school and the tears flow as you stand there cheering on thinking that it was only yesterday that you were standing on that corner taking them to school for the first time. As they pack the boxes to leave the nest to start a life as the fine adults you have said so many prayers about, remembering the tears that you shed at night in frustration over their seemingly unwillingness to grow up and be responsible. Now you can only hide the tears and wish them well until they drive around the concert in their own car.
The tears change as the years continue to go by- they become tears of friendship. They have come to appreciate the sacrifices and joys that you had when they are young- determined to do you proud by having a child of their own. You find yourself reflecting on the smiles, the laughter, and the tears. Your heart swells as you head to the store for the box of Kleenex.
You enter the hospital room and smile as the tears flow down both of your cheeks as she presents her beautiful child.
Cry my dear daughter for the Mother's tears are the tears of new wonderful stage of life. A life of many experiences that can only be expressed by the bittersweet drops of salty water flowing down the cheeks.

Evil snowplow

There once a small house located on a small country road in a small little town. In this tiny little house  lived an "old" woman with her two children and a her small grandchild. The woman worked at the school where the town people sent their children to be educated and the two children also worked. It seemed there was always somebody coming and going form this house until this one stormy winter when the snow just kept coming and blowing and drifting until the small town became buried under all the snow.
It had snowed for so many days that the town had to close the schools and the people could not get to work. They had been promised that the snow would end soon and that the big yellow truck with its flashing lights and big snow pushing plow would clear the way for the town's people to drive again on the country roads.
Finally the snow stopped and the people rejoiced. Soon the sounds of shovels scraping the sidewalks and driveways filled the air. Children were sledding and the old folks were reminiscing about the days when these few feet of snow would not have stopped them from doing their business or trekking to school; shoveling a path as they went. "People these days are too soft and kids need to learn to walk and depend on a bus to get them there;" seemed to resound in the air.
The "old" woman wondered if they were right about this for now the kids had missed too many days and some of the things learned in the past would need to taught again. She kept shoveling along the drive as she wondered when they could make up these days and how her little car would make it down the road to run the errands that needed to be done. After hours of shoveling the heavy white slush that accumulated in her drive the road was seen. She sadly shook her head for all that was there was a wide path of slush and ice on top of the pavement. Her appointments would have to wait for the hero of the day seemed to have forgotten them again. She could cars on the other roads traveling along and she wondered why they had been rescued and not those on her road. It had been days since she had heard the roar of the beast clearing the way and she needed to refill the pantry. She went inside, patience wearing thin and the fridge so bare. Then what to her joy did her ears hear- the sound of the roar of the beast coming to clear the way. She thanked the Lord as she ran to the window to watch with glee only to be dismayed as to what she witnessed.
Blades high up so as not to touch the ground the yellow truck rushed right past her house. The slush went splashing so high up and the ice crunched under it bit wheels creating a mess but he was not plowing just making a pass. He has to come back she thought for he can see we need him to plow here. A few minutes later he did come back and this time the blades were down and creating a path. As he came down towards her she was overcome with joy but then she realized that he was pushing the mass of snow towards her drive. "NO! STOP!" But on he went leaving a berm of 48 inches. The evil snowplow had plowed her in. She sat and waited in disbelief hoping he would come back and take it away.
Soon darkness was settling in the sky and the silence of the night told her he was gone. She called to the kids to grab the shovels. The night was spent shoveling and soon exhaustion overcame them. They settled to bed with hunger and coldness as companions.
The next morning the awoke to see the snow had come again.

What a week

I am glad this week is almost over. It has been one of victories and trials for many of my friends and family. The weather has created havoc for many with frozen or burst pipes. As I am writing this one of my dear friends has over an inch of water in her basement, which sadly is where she has all of her family heirlooms and antiques. Yesterday her day started with her kitchen flooding and the plumber having to come but sadly the problem unknown to them was not just isolated to their and as they were going to bed last night discovered the mess in the basement.
My family also had a dear member pass away- it is so hard to say die- I prefer saying went home to our Heavenly Father. She was an awesome lady. I will always remember listening to her yodeling around the campfire as a kid. Her voice was so awesome and I loved listening to her sing. It is times like this that I hate being away from my family and glad that we are moving closer to them soon.
With the baby we are learning to celebrate the small things. Seriously today we rejoiced that she had a bowel movement; she has been constipated for over a week. The doctor assured us yesterday that this was a normal thing at her age but we still rejoiced when she finally had one.
My son is trying to get on the mend from Bronchitis but sadly I think my daughter and i are now trying to get sick which causes more concern  for the baby.
Last night I tried having the baby sleep in bed with me for her mom was feeling sick. I gave up trying to sleep at 3:30 a.m. for she is a squiggle worm and missed being in her own bed. I am now feeling very heavy eyed but have a full day that needs to have many things accomplished.
Mother Nature is still testing us with the beautiful blue skies that makes us thing it should be warm instead of below zero. We received over 24 inches of snow in 48 hours and then went into a deep freeze. I remember last week when the ground was bare of all snow and was watching the tulips, daffodils, and crocus popping their heads out of the ground with the promise of spring coming soon.
One would think that with all that is happening this week that I would have something creative to write about but it seems that I am just on survival mode these days. The homework needs to be done, Praxis tests need to be studied for, and the house is looking like a storm has blown through it. I hope next week goes better and am grateful the Lord has given me these times the good and the trials. Have a great weekend all.

calendar mix-up?

I am thinking somehow that Mother Nature's calendar has been mix-upped and changed back to December or January. I awoke this morning to over 5 inches of snow and now we have over 12 inches with more coming. According to my calendar it is late February and we should be planning our gardens; at least mentally. I laughed yesterday as I read some of my friends' post (including my own mother's) about how they were trying to rake their yards with the ground still frozen. Today we are shoveling snow. It is beautiful but also throwing some major kinks into my life. I am worried that if it continues to snow we will not have school again tomorrow and we are already over the allotted amount so we will have to make up today as it stands but another day or two and there comes some major problems with extended school year and the start of the summer program.
It is depressing watching the weather report and seeing a cell that is stationary over our area and that it can stay for two more days to be followed by bitter cold. The normal average temperature for this time of year is a high in the low forties and the low in the 20's and we will be lucky to see the high in the teens and the lows in the below zero range.
No I am not trying to depress anyone just wondering how it is that as I am writing this the sun is shining and the snow is still falling. It is so bright and spectacular of a sight. It reminds me of one of my favorite things- the first snowfall of the season when all is clean and seems so peaceful. we all know the feeling we have when awake and can just sense the peace. Anticipation of the holidays will soon be coming and there is a sense of cheerfulness that fills the air. Yet we have already celebrated these and the others that follow. Now it is time for Spring and buying of Easter dresses and dreaming of mowing the yard, digging in the warm dirt as we plant seeds, pulling weeds. Oh my poor little tulips that have already poked their heads out of the ground-will you survive the bitter cold?
Will someone please let Mother Nature know that someone played a joke on her and fix her calendar. Winter has had its fun with record snow in November and it does not need to be greedy with setting new records this month. Spring deserves its time and we all appreciate the glorious splendor that this white stuff can create but we want the green and all the colorful blossoms that brighten the day. The birds and bees are ready with anticipation of the sweet nectar from the flowers. Snow blowers are ready to be put away in the back of the garage and the mowers are wanting to be tuned-up. Students are wanting to return to school to learn the new lessons their teachers have spent hours preparing and not have to spend the time reviewing from this long break.
If you had a choice what would you choose at this time - give up some days during spring break or go longer in June? Why?
Hmm will be interesting to see if anyone reads this and responds.

Random thoughts

I have been pondering what to write about for hours now and all the random thoughts that have wondered around have not taken root into anything worth writing about. My daughter told me I should write about the cake that is baking in the oven for tomorrow's Bible study or how her poor baby is constipated. Does anybody have a good remedy for a 6 week old constipated baby? I feel so sorry for her; she is in so much pain and discomfort some of the time and at others just smiles and coos  like nothing is wrong. My son thought I should write his obituary for he thinks that he is dying from the nasty cold that has taken over him. I am feeling torn between being concerned for him and the baby. He is confined to his room so he doesn't get the baby sick. My question is why is it the older boys/men get the the bigger the babies they become when they are sick? When us women get sick we are still expected to keep the household running, take care of the kids, go to work but when they get sick they crawl under the covers and act like they are so helpless. Are all men like this or just the ones that have been in my life?
OK maybe I should just tell you all about the cake but since it is a new creation I won't in case it doesn't turn out right and then it will be a mad  dash to the bakery tomorrow.
It seems so many things are hinging in the balance lately in my life and I am not sure why. I have been so exhausted lately that sleep is the only thing I have managed to accomplish this long weekend. I really needed to get the paper done that is due and the articles read. It seems I have several major assignments due Friday as well as the dentist and a doctors appointment and yet I have not completed any of them. Great now I sound like I am whining but I am just seeing how many random thoughts my brain has in these 15 minutes; hoping this will help clear it out so I can concentrate on getting other things accomplished.
Well the good news is I am running out of random thoughts but I am not sure if I will get other things accomplished but will give it the "old college try" - pun intended.

They are there
I know they exist
Why are you hiding from me
Can't you sense my pain
The desperation of desire
longing to be fulfilled
I have waited for so long
It won't hurt, I promise.
Please come to me
I will find you eventually
The search is only prolonging the inevitable
I am aroused to continue the hunt
Ever searching
Doors closing and opening
mind racing
which pathway shall I take next
hear my pleas
Come out! Come out!
I need you -
Words

Almost there

This week I have been receiving emails telling me I need to plan for the future and the paperwork involved is overwhelming to me. How can I think beyond getting the papers and other assignments that are requiring more time than I seem to have and think about my future? What classes will you be taking for the next few semesters? I don't know I am still dealing with this one! Do I know where I want to internship at? NO! I have no idea where I will be living! When do you plan on graduating and with what minors or endorsements? I am sure I have a file somewhere that has all this listed but I can't find my desk right now and my head is feeling like it wants to explode.
I am trying not to be stressed butI will admit that lately fear of the unknown has been creeping in and I am not enjoying the feeling at all. To top it off my children and I have been wrestling with a major decision that can affect some of these issues I am having to deal with. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! My friends are beginning to question my sanity that is for sure.
I am a person that believes He has plans for all of us and we are to believe that everything happens for a reason. The other day I was talking to one of my Pastors and I asked him how I can tell if this major decision is being made for selfish reasons or is He really sending down a new path? I am not one to question Him but will question myself at times. I was told to look for doors being closed or opened and of course to be prayer and meditation to hear the words. I am trying and it seems that doors are closing in some areas and opening in others. I am praying that the decisions I am making are being done with his guidance.
OK I am feeling calmer as I write this. I am almost there. There is a reason we go through things. We must at times bear the tribulations so that we can enjoy the fruit at the end. I will survive this- I am almost there. Hang in there-We are almost there! Almost there- but where is there?

Have you ever watched people walk on slippery surfaces such as icy parking lots or wet floors. Lately I became aware how humorous it can be to watch people as they try to carefully navigate their way across an icy arena. There are some major difference and one of my hypothesis is that age and perhaps wisdom play a major role in how people make it to their destination with their body and pride intact.
Let's start with the very young ones that seem to have no fear; they just race across the parking lots or whatever icy surface they are zooming across as their poor frantic mother turns deathly pale as she scrambles to catch the child and praying that she does not fall on her bottom.
The next group is older children. Kids as they get older seem to get more adventurous as they skate across the slippery surface. It seems as if skates just magically appear on their feet or they imagine this has happened for they love to see how far they can slide without picking up their feet. They have no fear and zealously slide across the parking lots as if they are performing in a skating event. Even when they fall they are able to pick themselves up and shake it off, laughing as if it was all part of their plan.
The ones though that I find interesting are the adults. For most of us we trepidally walk across the ice as if we are walking on egg shells. We seem to have a built in fear that if we take a wrong step we will fall and become like Humpty-Dumpty. My sister-in-law has a walk that I call the turtle walk for she walks so slow and and carefully thinks about each step as if there is land mines waiting to take her down. She even has the chains for the bottom of her shoes but still does not trust them to keep her on the upright.
We all as we get older have been known to take a spill or two. The bruises and cracks int he bones are reminders of how unforgiving these slippery grounds can be this time of the year. The glistening beckoning of carefree skating across them loses its appeal as we just hope we do not land on our rears as we attempt to make it to our destinations. Yet it seems the more cautious we become the more we fall. Those that just go about the terrain of ice and snow as if they don't have a care or even cheirsh the hazards it presents as an adventure do not worry about the dangers or aches that will follow as their body slams into the ground. They make it to the entrance with zest and in fast time while the rest slip and slide praying for the soft landing if we lose our not so sure footing. My question for myself is how do I get back the zealous carefree attitude of the youth as slid around on the ice perhaps saving myself from the pitfalls of worrying about making it there so much and just be able to enjoy the journey of getting there?

Valentine's Day

Since my divorce I have been very cynical about this holiday. In my opinion it was just a holdiay created by card companies, flourist, and candy companies to remind those of us that are single how pathetic and lonely our lives are and how great it is to be in a relationship. To be honest even when I was married I never really bought into this day for I feel that if someone loves you it should be expressed throughout the year and not just on a holiday and buying all that stuff to say "I love you" was really a waste of money. Okay maybe I just bought into my exhusband's excuses for not celebrating the day even though his attitude has changed with is new wife.
I have since changed my mind on most of my cynicism about today and it was a card company that changed it. I was watching a Hallmark movie recently and the ad that caught my attention was about Valentine's Day. Basically the ad, if anyone has seen it, was about how today is not for saying "I love you" but "I love us!" Wow! That statement made me realize that is what I wanted to say to my friends and family that I love our relationship and Valentine's Day was a good day to do so. I try to tell my friends and family that I love them and how grateful I am to have them in my life and why not say that on a day marked for love.
I started calling those that special to me last night and today telling them just how much they mean to me. My daughter who is probably just as cynical as I am about this day for her own reasons has changed her mind somewhat also. She brought me flowers and a "Thank you" gift for helping her and being there for her and her baby, she picked today because she wanted to say how much she loves "us" also. She is 22. Surprise!She made me a home-made Valentine card-I will keep this one forever just like some of the other home-made cards and gifts the kids made in elementary school.
I guess today has new meaning to me from pne of being a day to spend money to tell your love one ( mainly a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse) that you love them to telling anyone that is special to you that you love what they are to you  in your life.
Take the time to tell all those in your life "I love US!" Hallmark I am sure won't mind.

My class

I am "teaching" a class every day that is suppose to be an ISAT\AGP class. The reason the word teach is in quotation marks is because I am really jsut babysitting these wonderful students most of the time. Okay maybe babysitting is not the correct word more like supervising and advicing when they need it. I do enjoy my small gorup of kids though and we are forming a bond that is allowing me to get a even better sense of how to connect in different ways.
When I was first approached about this position it was to be approximately 10-12 seniors that have not passed the ISATs and needed to take this computer based course as part of an alternative graduation plan (AGP). This group of students were to include special edcuation students as well as general education students. I was apprehensive at first and as I attended the computer training courrses (if anyone knows me they know that I am not a technology person) and the meetings with administrators and others. Class was getting ready to start and I was not feeling prepared but as the first couple of week have gone by I am feeling more comfortable.
What amazes me though and worries me is that the number of students that are in this class is now 1/3 of what I was originally told. Yes, you did the math right I now have 4 students and 1 has not been here all week. What does this mean - well more meetings for me and some confusion. Studnets have been transferred to others or something; which I will admit confuses me for this is the only time it is available and I am one of the few in the district to have this training or so I thought . However, I am still enjoying it. I am still practicing my classroom mangement skills and making sure I follow through. I have conferences with the students at least once a week to talk about progress. Iam also getting practice of having consultations and collaborating with others.
DO I feel it is really preparing me for having a real classroom of myown inthe future - maybe. If luna has his way I have a sense of how hard it is for students to learn from a course on the computer. He keeps forgetting the human factor of teaching but I do not want to openthat canof worms so for now I will sign off for I have written past the time we are to but then again I usually do.

Heros

I thought I had nothing ot write about today until I read a discussion post in one of my classes. I read a comment made about special education teachers spending most of their time doing paper work and needed to teach real classes at times. It made me mad and then I realized that maybe I read it wrong. I am not sure but it mad eme realize how at times people can misunderstand the written word or at least take things the wrong way. I am sure this person did not mean to insult special education teachers in general and as I read others responses I got the impression I was not the only one that took a slight offense as to what was said.
I am sure that to some a special education teacher might seem like a paper pusher and have it easy because of the smaller class sizes but they are so much more. They do teach and also have a mountain of paper work but hey are also so much more to so many people, especially their students and the families they work with.
I know that the teachers I work with put in so many hours after school and on weekends that they work 7 days a week and seem to never get caught up. They do this because they care; as do all educators. They are not the bearers of bad news or come into a classroom to tell the general education teacher how to teach. They collaborate and consult with the teachers so that students can get the education they deserve and need.
I wonder if perhaps this person has had some negative experiences or perhaps very little experience. I hope that this person does not take offense to my defending these teachers or their dedication.
I did vent to my family and felt that a more mellow venting here would help. It has helped.

Wrapped

A few days after my granddaughter was born a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I was wrapped? At first I was not sure what she was referring to for that is all it said.  "Are you wrapped?" So I said "Yes." Then a few hours later as I was holding this precious bundle I knew what she meant and yes I was completely wrapped- my heart was so full of love for her and my life seemed complete again.
How can one little baby get so many people wrapped so that they are willing to drop everything just to be with her? No, I am not that bad; I still do my homework, go to work, and spend time away from her. To be honest though I am not the only one though that is "wrapped." My parents, who live only 80 miles away could not come see us; by us I mean me and the kids, but maybe 2-3 times a year for the last thirteen years have been here more times in the last month I am amazed. They are wrapped too.
They arrived this morning to take this little bundle and her mother to their house for an extended visit. Until lately the visits are around only a few hours. They quickly informed me in their not so humorous way that they were not bringing them back on the anticipated day. My daughter looked at me with that quiet reassuring way of hers that said "We will be back. Don't worry Mom." The look on their faces as they seen how much stuff had to go with them for this visit was not a deterrent as hoped.  They have been looking forward to this visit as much as I have been dreading them leave. Already the house seems empty and too quiet. My arms feel empty and yes I feel a little teary as I am thinking about them.
"Am I wrapped?" Yes I am. I do not mind sharing my family-really I don't. I am the grandmother and I should relish this time to have my life back as it was but as I look around all I see is how my house should be filled with her little grunts and groans. The swing should be going and my ears should be listening for her.
I love my parents and am glad they are getting to spent this time with the baby. I am grateful for the time to get a chance to get my homework done and hopefully ahead. I have so much to do so I should get to it.
Time to wrap my mind around the things to be done.

Thursday

I had attempted to write this blog earlier; actually I was jsut about complete with it when suddenly it disappeared from the screen. The atosave had not saved it and time was running out in the class that I was supervising (yep I was on the net while at work). I should have felt guilty and maybe it was a sign that I should not be breking the rules but it is Thursday which in my world is a Friday to most people and it was the end of the day so while not technically the weekend yet I felt it was close enough. Silly me for trying to get ahead.
This week has been full of new adventures in my job and I think I surprised a few people; hopefully erasing some doubts they might have about my ability to do the job. The job is really not that big of a deal but will look great on the rsume and it is a refreshing way to end my day. What is the job? I supervise a samll group f seniors while they do PLATO, a computer based education program based on the content standards and ISATs. I am still learning about the program but I think it has some good qualitiies and some not so great  but the goal is to have these students complete the work so they can graduate.
I have attended meetings and watched a group of people come in with their own agendas and leave without changing their minds. Some with open minds and some like me not sure what I was going to learn and even more confused when I left.
There was also the issue of dealing with those that thought they should have the job or at least that I should not. I have taught a similar class a couple of years ago with some success and it was not computer based so I had the confidence and backing from those that knew that I can do this. One of those that wanted the job seemed ot try ot make it a little difficult for me to get this class running but surprised me today by saying he was glad I am now and how impressed he was with my organziation skills and the how smoothly the first week went. I am hoping this means he will continue to cooperate with me for he is also one of my supervisors for this project.
I will admit the first day was a little intimidating for me but I acted like this was my first day of teaching and told the students the expectations and procedures, let them ask questions, and it went well. I am getting ot know these kids and making connnections. It so amzing we have been in classes together with me as a para and them as students and we are connecting together in different ways. I realize how different it is being the one in charge. It is fun having this small group of kids. They know I want them to succeed and they want to graduate so we are on the same page.
I am exhausted this week and have meetings all day tomorrow so it not my usual day off. Yes our school district has 4 day weeks so instead of TGIF we have SHIT (sure happy it's Thursday) . I have come ot depend on having Fridays off so I can do a majority of my school work completed or edited, the housework done and all the other chores/errands that have been neglected throughout the week. I am not sure what will happen when I get  a job teaching and it is Monday-Friday. I am sure I will adjust though.
I hope this wasn't a ramble piece but quite truthfully I do not have much else going on now. Just a new little fork in the road of the wonderful journey of my life. Is this contentment or boredom I am feeling these days? I am settling for contentment and hoping it is not boredom for I am comfortable with it as it drifts along.

Cole

A year and half ago on a warm spring day a surprise was discovered in our garage. My children came into the house whispering in a conspiratoral voices that immediately sent "mom alert" up to full force. I aske dhtem what they were talking about and they immediately denied anything and sent each other glances that spoke volumes that the little stinkers were up to no good. I casually asked  how the garage cleaning was coming along since that was what they were suppose to be doing. "Fine! Done!" came the quick responses. I decided that I had better go check on this myself so out i went. At first I did not see anything amiss and the garage looked in good order so I put all suspicions aside.
Later that day after my kids made several more "inconspicuous" trips out to the garage I knew something was up and started my own investigation into the matter. Finally I had the proof I needed- a strange cat noise that sounded like it was dying or at least in extreme pain. I quickly went out to investigate but was not as fast as the children. There they both stood trying to look like angels and that I was just hearing things in my old age. Soon the noise echoed amongst the walls again and thy could no longer deny the existence of a strange cat being in the garage.
Timidly out straggled a black cat that looked like he had gone a few rounds in the boxing ring and had not seen a decent meal in days. One look at the cat and then the kids told me that the conversation to follow this appearance was not going to be fun. "Mom, can we keep it? Look it is hungry. It is so friendly, see how she rubs against us begging to be petted?" Me: "NO! NO! WE DO NOT NEED ANOTHER CAT!"
I did agree that they could give the cat some food but they had to find where it came from and return it to its owners.
Two days later it was still residing in the garage with several attempts to come into the house. Angel, my sweet lovely welcome  committee became a permanent fistrue by the backdoor with the constant growling and hissing of "Do you feel lucky? Well do ya?!" I was getting ready for the party we were having to celebrate spring and my graduation from NIC so the cat was the last thing I thought about except when he would try to whiz past me as I entered the house. My schildren assured me they had canvased a three block radius with no luck in finding the owners. This was followed by the pleading and promises of keeping and taking care of him. I loved the arguments of "we alreadey have 2 so one more won't be that big of a difference." They even gave her the name of Bella.
Finally my heart was weakening my stern stance and I found myself petting the cat. I decided to give it a thorough once over to see how badly it was beaten up. Imagine my surprise when the one of hte first things I discovered was that Bella was actually a Bill. I laughed and told the children the news. This led to the debate of what woudl be a good male name and soon Cole it became. The next step was letting him into the house.
I know tha ttemporary insanity had taken ahold of me for this could only lead to disaster considering Angel had been very vocal about her opinion of the possible newest addition. Sam, my daughter's STD cat, jus tbounced on Cole and then would walk away. He really was clueless about what was going to happen.
Cole walked into the house for hte first time, at least ot my knowledge, as if he was home. Immediately he  went to the food dish, ate, and then he headed to the litter box and left a nice present there. The next stop was to the couch where Angel was napping with one eye open. He jumped up; laid beside her; started purring loudly and fell asleep. The three human occupants wathced this with trepidation. Angel looked at him, closed both eyes and slept.
It was a miracle and a sign form Heaven that this cat was meant to be a part of our family. He was taken to the vet, all checked out to be healthy and he was already neutered. I feel sorry for ht family that lost this loving cat and yet grateful he is a part of ours. He has created a sense of peace amongst the other two cats. If Cole is around Angel will tolerate Sam. They all sleep together on my bed during the day. They all take turns at the food dish, with Cole eating last and Angel eating first; we have three dishes so ths is not necessary but funny to watch at times.
Until my granddaughter arrived my som said there was a balance of genders with three of each - I am afraid that he is plotting to bring home some male creature soon to reestablish the balance again.

Best made plans

Today was suppose to be a "lazy" day; one of catching up on a few things and finishing the last of this weeks assignements before I hit hte couch for  some serious T.V. napping. Of course this was all going to happen after church and thenI would feel refreshed to do the montain of laundry and cook the big dinner for tonight. Ahh such wonderful plans toobad none of it happened as I had planned. First I get on the computer and finish myt assignments, did the double check to make sure they were complete as stated when I discovered I had not started one assignment that required major reflection, reading, and brain cells that were alredy on a nap mode. So the debate started in my head about whether I should take the nap as desired or be the student that I should be and do the assignment. Student won and after three hours I made some progress. The laundry became my breaks and the T.V. was just background noise. The nap never happened but I had the cooking of dinner to look forward to.
Are you serious?! As I go to prepare the chicken, deciding to fry it instead of the usual baking I discovered that it was still frozen so more thawing under running water was needed. The coating is made with a wonderful mixture of spices and herbs- no oil! Okay thank goodness for a can of Crisco that I do not remember purchasing to the rescue. MMMMMMMM the sound of the chicken skin sizzling makes my mouth water. Now time to make biscuits- yes have everything. Potatoes to boild for mashing- oops used them the other day for work luncheon - oh well have the back-up instant stuff. Pantry has been robbed for the box is sitting on shelf empty -grrr
"Umm kids dinner is now chicken and biscuits with gravy sorry"
Biscuits become a little overcooked (buthte homemade blueberry jam was deilicious) and the chicken raw in the middle. Yep I live for/love Sunday dinners.
Wow! not what I planned but we talked and laughed and didn't eat as much so the diet wasn't totally blown by all the comfort food I had planned on eating plus my son did the dishes!

A few firsts

Today was a few first for my son, grandaughter, and me. This day started like any other day with the cat howling because he thinks it is his job to wake everyone in the household before dawn. Chores wre done and some homework was completed. I was looking forward to the brunch I was attending for it was a time to have some fellowhip with some wonderful ladies from church, eat some great food ( new recipes were collected yummy), and to make a card or two. The food was excellent, the company enjoyable, yet I did not make a single thing; not even a card. I wish I could say that I did not purchase anything but that would be a very big deal. I love watching and making cards and other crafts when I am at these social events and my collection as well as intentions are great yet I never seem to have the time to do these on my own at home. My children will shake their heads when they see the new stamps and such that I have bought for they know that they will be put into the craft totes thast are already bursting full to be looked at collect dust. I really should confess that I really do take some time to make these creations it jsut is nto as much as I would like too.
The second event that was a first was my granddaughter throwing a loud fit at a store. She is only three weeks old and I have only heard her throw a couple of brief crying spells ( not that I am complaining) yet today at Walmart she woke up mad and hungry and people five aisles could hear her; I was one of them. She created quite the little scene today, so I had to pay for my daughters things while she went to the car and fed the baby. What was so ridiculous is that I checked out and sat inthe car for over 30 minutes while she fed her-I could have shopped more!
The last first is that my son bought his first suit- adlt suit that is. I am not sure why he did for he is 19 and really has no reason to wear one. When I asked him why he just replied "You never know when I might need one." I was surprised how grown up my "baby" looked standing there in the mirror posing with his suit on. I remember when he was in school and I tried to get him to buy a suit to wear to dances and special occasions and he refused; now he owns one. I hope he has a happy event to wear it to soon. I know he is getting ready to leave the nest soon. This young man has taken on the role of being the "man of the house" for a few years. He wanted to go away to college but I couldn't afford it and then when he found out he was going to be an uncle he chose to stay to help out. He deserves to go explore the world and be young. I am torn between encouraging him to go and wanting him to stay so that I can protect him. I know he will succeed and I always lean towards the encouraging him to leave. I so appreciate all that he has done and tell him so.
Well I know these "firsts" were not that exciting but heck for someone like me that lives in a small community a trip to the local Walmart, which is over 30 miles away is like a mini vacation. Man I need to get a more exciting life!

STD Kitty

About a year after my daughter graduated she decided she was an "adult" and wanted to be treated like a roommate and not my child. Basically this meant she wanted all the freedom of living away form home while still living at home. I foolishly agreed to this arrangement with some "rules" that were to be agreed upon by both of us. This was not somehting I would recommend unless thorough thought has been given but that is another story. WIth her new found "freedom" and more room in the new place we had moved into she decided to push a few boundaries by bringing home some additional "roommates" to share her space and push my sanity. After the boyfriend and two dogs had to be asked to leave her next addition to the our house was a kitten. She had gone shopping with a friend and returned with a costly package.
Almost on any given day one can find a litter of kittens seeking a good home at the grocery store, local Walmart or any other gathering place or the animal shelters that are filled to the rafters with these poor adorable creatures begging for someone to rescue them. My daughter however, going against everything I had ever taught her about impule buying bought a kitten at a pet store. Now one would assume that if a kitten was for sale at a high price it must be a special breed and be healthy, unfortunately this was not the case for this purchase. This kitten was an ordinary gray striped kitten that the pet store claimed had its shots but no paper work to verify this fact. She had not only purchased the kitten but also bought a carrier, a food dish, collars, a blanket to put in the carrier and toys. We did not need most of these for we still had a cat -Angel/Lucifer.
When she came home and proudly showed me her newest acquisition I was not pleased. After onelook at this animal I knew something was wrong for its eyes were running and goopy, it nose was also leaking. I told her she needed to take it back for there was no way that I could have an animal that had some disease be in the house and make the other cat sick. She refused and took him to her room with a promise that it was just a cold and it woudl be healthy soon.
Two days later the cat looked worse and the first of several vet office calls began. As she was waiting for the exam she ran into a friend that was there with her sick cat. The friend had an appointment before Alysa and when she over heard the vet say the friend's cat had herpes my daughter thought that was funnny and disgusting at the same time. For most of us the name herpes does not haved a pleasane connotation. My daughter confessed to me that she was glad she would never have to be hear those embarassing words about her sweet young kitten. Well she was wrong her cat also had herpes. As the vet explained it was a virus and they were finding it to be a common one that pets were contracting. The mortification and embarassment set in as well as her concern for the kitten. She was assured that the kitten would be fine, the antibiotics should help and the nice bill needed to be paid.
This was not the end of this kittens problems though for two days later it started scratching it ears and crying in oain when he did so. Another trip to the vet revealed that this kitten had ear mites. These mites were jsut not the ordinary variety or just numbering in the few digits. These mighty mites were large, and multiplying rapidly. The vet was shocked ot see them mate under the micrscope. Because of these mighty mites seemed to be od hte hearty type it would take some costly medicine and several treatments to rid of them; oh and because they were contagious as was the herpes that was still persisting it was decided my cat also should be treated as a preventative. I wish I could say this endeared him to Angel even more but as we all know she is not the friendliest cat and this newest edition to the house was definately not well received by her. I also did not enjoy the daily rituals of forcing medicine down the cats throats and in their ears.
The cat did get healthy and a name besides STD cat as I so affectionately still refer to him as- he is called Sampson. He is my daughter's cat. He cries for her when she leaves, has to be in her lap whenever he can, sleeps with her and his blanket. He still annoys Angel and after three years she still hisses and spit sat him whenever he comes near. I do not htink she will ever forgive him for those first couple weeks of torture withthe medicine dispensing. He has grown into a cat that seems to have some cognitive problems also, I think it the side effects from the being a "healthy" kitten.

Feline Part 2

It was a day of celebration; my daughter, my oldest, my first baby, was graduating from high school. The emotions that day were running the gamet for me. There were the ususal tears of joy, anziety at the maximum for approximaiately thirty people were coming to my tiny two- bedroom apartment. The Lord blessed us that day with sunshine and the temperatures in the 70's, which is unusual for this area in late May. The decorations were festive, the food ready and the people were jovial. The one thing that never really entered my mind was the cat. She was not allowed outside nor had she ever really attempted to try to venture out the door so absent-minded me did not consider the possiblilty that anything terrible would happen to her.
People flowed in and out of the apartment all day and the celebration lasted longinto the evening. As things winded down I finally made it back into the apartment to assess the damages. Besides the usual mess nothing seemed amiss until I could not find my Angel. I searched everywhere, her usual hiding places, calling her name, hoping htat she would come to find me. I tried not to panic as a dreadful feeling that something had happened and prayed that somehow she had not gotten outside unnoticed and was hurt or lost. My son helped me search as did my neighbor/ friend. As the evening became night we still could not locate her. I called some of the guest asking id they had seen her during the party, noone recalled seeing her. My heart sank as I realized that she was not home.
It was two days later that she came out of whereever she was; a mystery that I was not able to solve. She did not look the same and immediately I ws filled with relief and dread. I picked her up to lovingly examine her. Nothing seemed to be broken and she acted hungry. I placed her by her food dish, watching her gingerly eat the food that was awaitng her. It was late evening and made the decision to see how she was the next  morning before taking her to the vet. I carefully took her to bed, petted her and express my gratefullness for her return.
As the sun arose the next morning she seemed fine, nothing amiss except one terrible thing she started growling and hissing everytime she heard a noise or thought someone was going to touch her. My kind loving cat had become this angry monster overnight. I again did a careful exam to make sure there were no obvious injuries except the ones she was now tryong to inflict on me. All was fine. My closest friend and neighbor came up to see me and was so glad to see the cat. They had beem friends too and she was shocked by the monster that swatted and hissed at her.
As time went by I had hoped that this was a phase and she would return to being the Angel sent to me. I am sad to report that she is still a little monster after three years. She does not hiss or spit at me but tread carefully if if you are a stranger or cross her path. She comes to my room at night to be loved and on occasion she will jump in my lap or one of my children's laps to be petted but it is on her time and terms. This is why my children call her "Lucifer" now. I will probably never know what happened that day to her and why she has never recovered from it. Physically she is fine and on her good days she still my Angel.