reminders

I have been remiss about writing on this spot faithfully as promised to myself; mainly because lately I have been lost in pity and fear. This is something that I thought I would never allow myself to do after some of the great Bible study classes I have taken recently. I have learned how allowing myself to do so sends me into a downward spiral and I become even more self-involved instead of dying to myself and allowing Him to fill me.
I cried at work today and contemplated my future and the decisions I have made over the last few years. I have made many sacrifices although now they do not seem so great. I have worked hard, studied until it felt like my brain was going to explode, and conquered many battles personally. With most of this behind me I ind myself wondering why I am letting a few more battles get to me. Is it I am just tired or am I really making some wrong choices concerning my life?
I was asked recently my plans for next school year and my job-silly me I was honest and said that I hoped to be student teaching and that there was a possibility that it would be somewhere else. OOPS! This has caused so many problems and pressure. The end result after threats and trying to be forced to give a definite answer that I honestly cannot give -"Your position has eliminated and you are being terminated at the end of this school year unless you definitely say you are not leaving to student teach. You will still not be at this school but we will try to place you somewhere else. Oh and you are losing your insurance as of June."
The job is going to be missed for sure but the insurance even more.
But what reminded me to stop the pity party and have the faith I know I am so sinning in not having was reading a classmates post about God saving her sister and unborn child. Thank you for this. I could have gone to church tonight and feel that the words would not have had as much of an impact as this story. So I will try to quit whining -No I will quit whining and throwing a BHPM party.
I will place my fears and doubts where they belong and walk amongst these days knowing that with His help all will happen for a reason.

The End is Near

The end of the semester is so near that I can actually see the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel." It seems that I have lost my motivation and determination to complete the last of the assignments that are required. Perhaps it is due to the frustration I feel towards a professor and that I am so mentally tired that I just seem to not care anymore. My students that I work with can feel my empathy towards them when they complain how overburdened they feel with many assignments being due at the same time. I can so relate but I try to remain encouraging and reaching into the nearly empty barrel of motivation to keep them focused on the tasks at hand.
I so feel the need to share though my frustration towards someone that has been entrusted to teach me and others and while in my opinion has failed in so many ways. I am taking a course that I feel needs feedback on the multiple assignments, guidance on how to write IEPs and yet none is forthcoming, well very little. There was one difficult IEP to write and had to get guidance from others and not the teacher. Talking to others in this class it was discovered that others also had to receive assistance from others and felt frustrated. I try to be patient and understanding but what set me off today was that today 3 days after the assignment was due the professor sends an email with a website that will difficult to navigate but might be helpful in completing the assignment?! REALLY!? After the assignment is due this person offers a small bit of obscure guidance and none from her personally or a note saying hey I know all of you have already completed this but I want to give you some feedback and the opportunity to change it if necessary based on this information I failed to provide you when I should have. My apology." Okay so I am living in a fantasy world I guess. For me I will mark this as another learning experience of what type of teacher I do not want to be.
It has been suggested I write to her and thank her for the information but I will not do so for I am afraid of what else I might say. I also want to desperately call a few other people at LCSC and tell them how unhappy I am about this learning experience I received in this class- I actually feel robbed in some ways.
Okay time to get off of my soap box and get back to work.

Trials

Due to a dyslexic moment several months ago I am now dealing with the ramifications. I know that I need to be careful when I am entering numbers on the keyboard or any other time actually. I, however, did not triple check myself when registering for the Special Ed Praxis. 0354 should have been 0543 even the names are very similar. This has now caused me a night of very restless sleep, tears, prayers, and phone calls.
The people at the ets center can not help me and I was told to just show up and talk to the test administrators there and hope they have room for me and an extra test otherwise I forfeit my money and time.
I feel like a fool for double-triple checking this earlier. I have looked at my admissions ticket several times and when the Lord really opened my eyes I was grateful. I am ashamed though of how I first reacted and the feelings of self-anger I felt.
My wonderful daughter has spent time reminding me where I needed to place my faith, how I should react when He has given us trials and to remain calm. It has been amazing to watch her grow spiritually and have her as a reminder of to react with the Grace and faith He asks of us.
When she reminded me that this is just a small trail and that we will be facing many more as we get ready to start a new journey in a few months. These last few years I have faced many trials and become a stronger person spiritually because of them. I know that He is there for me giving me the strength and knowledge to keep going.
I need to let go of these feelings of discouragement and anxiety. Yes, I made a mistake but it can be corrected. I have the ability to overcome this and know that the journey He has placed me on is going to be fraught with many more trials but they are not to stop me but to take me where He wants me to be.
I will be there Saturday with papers in hand and a faith that this can rectified. I will continue to study and know that the knowledge is there.
The ranting is done along with the self-pity and anger. Thank you Lord.

Breakfast?Dinner?

I am trying to thing of a name for the meal that has breakfast items being served for dinner. Breakner? Dinfast? Supner? Hmmm, I think just Yummy will do for tonight.
We are having a treat for dinner tonight- biscuits and gravy (meatless) and scrambled eggs. I did not choose the menu my children did and they are excited. It is so funny how changing something as simple as when you serve a certain food item can make that food taste so much better. The family gets excited when I make pancakes for dinner or omelets. They even like it when they can have leftover pizza for breakfast; but then again who wouldn't?
At times change can be a good thing like changing meals but we all have experienced the times when change can create chaos. It seems that the closer it comes to trying to get things organized for moving the more chaos reigns. I am trying to find housing which is difficult due to finances being severely lacking when I student teach, not to mention I do not know where that will be exactly. There is also other issues like finding a part time job for me and my daughter, day care for the baby, etc. I know that this summer will be full of me driving around trying to get this all settled before the middle of August. I am trying not to let anxiety or fear even enter the picture. I am already filling out applications and making phone calls which is not easy to do when they ask certain questions that I honestly cannot answer. Some apartment places think I am nuts calling for a possible place in August. If anybody knows of some cheap places that are decent for rent in the Cd'A, Post Falls, Rathdrum area that might be available please let me know.
Well the alarm is sounding so must cook breakfast- wait the noise is the kids whining and it is dinner. Bon Appetite!

free-writing

I have spent many minutes trying to think of something to write about. I do not want to whine about how tires I am from thinking so much (we all are feeling a need for a break I am sure). I do not want to admit that I had the hardest struggle today staying awake in a class today; the teacher asked e in front of the students if I enjoyed my cat nap. I thought I kept my eyes opened the whole time and apologized to him for failing. I could blame the change in the schedule, the exhausting weekend of taking care of the baby as she slowly recovered from her illness, staying up to watch the Hallmark movie about another inspirational teacher that inspired me to keep going. I could do all of these things but it seems senseless and really boring.
I could share my story that I am writing in second person that I am writing but this will be posted in the discussion area so that would be redundant.
I need to study for my special education praxis that I am taking this Saturday (OMG! that is in only five  more days!) Okay I need to write something great and then hit the 5 inch manual to study for that test. Maybe while I am studying I will come across the information needed to write the IEP for a "student" that is ED and GT. I have no clue what to write for benchmarks. I know it would be wrong to write "stay alive" as an objective of one annual goal; the case study says he has attempted suicide twice.
I feel the meed to apologize for this little passage of nothingness. I call it freewriting for that is what it is a way to clear my mind so that I may move onto other things.
 I was hoping to feel inspired to have a great idea to write as I was writing this but there seems to be too much clutter in the brain and this is it! I really need to create a list of topics someday to avoid this rambling on about nothing.
Here is hoping for better inspiration in the near future.

What a Tease

You play peek-a-boo behind the white fluffy covers, revealing the radiance of your warmth at random times. Are you afraid that with your long absence you won't be welcomed or is it that you like playing with us by slowly unveiling your prowess of exciting the world with your presence. Oh you tease, this brief glimpse of what we so desire to happen and then disappearing with no signs of a long visit.
The time of your arrival is overdue. Come out and stay for a visit. All will rejoice at your arrival. Dancing and singing will fill the air.
Brightness that shines as look upon us will blind many with a air of celebration. No! Don't hide or run away. We want you to stay. We need you to stay. Flowers will bloom, bees will buzz, leaves will blossom. It is time for you to come back to us. Warm up the breeze that is blowing.  Fill the streams with the runoff of melting snow.
I am begging you to stop the teasing. Please kind one let us see you for a long stay. Warm us up and dry up the puddles form our tears that we have shed in your absence. You are a welcome stranger here today and every day.
We love you and miss you. These brief visits only make us ache for the days that you will once again grace with your presence.
We can still play a game or two on the occasional days that you need to rest but it is time to come back for that long awaited visit. The seasons are confused when you hide for so long. Things are a tilted askew. No more teasing that you are on your way. Shine down upon us with the glow of your love.
The white fluffy blanket you have been hiding behind has turned dingy gray again turning it to a cold day. Remember the glory days of seasons past when you set so late. We need you. Oh wait can it be the pleas have been heard. Yes I see you-wait! What a tease!

How do we do it?

I just had a conversation with one of my cohorts about all of that we have experienced recently with assignments seemingly overtaking our lives and the overloaded brain cells while trying to deal with the other parts of our lives. We all seem to have been given super human strength to be able to juggle the demands of research papers, chapter assignments, family, work, and hopefully some recreation to rejuvenate.
We offer support when we hear one of our cohorts sending out the distress call, we collaborate on assignments, and we all look at the gleam of light, representing the end, that is shining brighter as the days go by quickly.
Many of us find ourselves reflecting back on all that we have accomplished and wonder "How did I do it?" We are looking forward to being in a classroom again, together as a group of cohorts that can have real conversations and not just discussion posts. I know that since last summer I pull out my sheet that has all of the cohorts I am so fortunate to share this experience with and look at smiling faces knowing that all of us are amazing people with a common goal of wanting to be great educators that are gaining the knowledge to make a difference in so many lives. We have been able to commiserate together, sharing our frustrations and new knowledge of this experience.
For me when people ask "How did you do this?" I smile and say it was through the grace of God, the support of my family and friends, and knowing that my cohorts are there surviving the same thing. We have all learned how important collaboration is in the education field and this so true. We have learned together, supported each other in ways that we probably are unaware of.
I want to thank you all for what you have given me- the support, feedback and encouragement is priceless.
Even though we all know this summer is going to be another whirlwind of knowledge and brain overload the anticipation of this is so exciting.
Have any of you thought about what we can tell the new cohorts? Remember how we all sat there almost a year ago wondering what the summer would be like, hearing the others telling us it would be something we had probably never experienced before, thinking they were being a little too negative ( at least I did) and them having moments when I knew they were so right.
I know that this journey is not coming to an end but just taking a new fork in the road. What better travel mates to share it with.