reminders

I have been remiss about writing on this spot faithfully as promised to myself; mainly because lately I have been lost in pity and fear. This is something that I thought I would never allow myself to do after some of the great Bible study classes I have taken recently. I have learned how allowing myself to do so sends me into a downward spiral and I become even more self-involved instead of dying to myself and allowing Him to fill me.
I cried at work today and contemplated my future and the decisions I have made over the last few years. I have made many sacrifices although now they do not seem so great. I have worked hard, studied until it felt like my brain was going to explode, and conquered many battles personally. With most of this behind me I ind myself wondering why I am letting a few more battles get to me. Is it I am just tired or am I really making some wrong choices concerning my life?
I was asked recently my plans for next school year and my job-silly me I was honest and said that I hoped to be student teaching and that there was a possibility that it would be somewhere else. OOPS! This has caused so many problems and pressure. The end result after threats and trying to be forced to give a definite answer that I honestly cannot give -"Your position has eliminated and you are being terminated at the end of this school year unless you definitely say you are not leaving to student teach. You will still not be at this school but we will try to place you somewhere else. Oh and you are losing your insurance as of June."
The job is going to be missed for sure but the insurance even more.
But what reminded me to stop the pity party and have the faith I know I am so sinning in not having was reading a classmates post about God saving her sister and unborn child. Thank you for this. I could have gone to church tonight and feel that the words would not have had as much of an impact as this story. So I will try to quit whining -No I will quit whining and throwing a BHPM party.
I will place my fears and doubts where they belong and walk amongst these days knowing that with His help all will happen for a reason.

The End is Near

The end of the semester is so near that I can actually see the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel." It seems that I have lost my motivation and determination to complete the last of the assignments that are required. Perhaps it is due to the frustration I feel towards a professor and that I am so mentally tired that I just seem to not care anymore. My students that I work with can feel my empathy towards them when they complain how overburdened they feel with many assignments being due at the same time. I can so relate but I try to remain encouraging and reaching into the nearly empty barrel of motivation to keep them focused on the tasks at hand.
I so feel the need to share though my frustration towards someone that has been entrusted to teach me and others and while in my opinion has failed in so many ways. I am taking a course that I feel needs feedback on the multiple assignments, guidance on how to write IEPs and yet none is forthcoming, well very little. There was one difficult IEP to write and had to get guidance from others and not the teacher. Talking to others in this class it was discovered that others also had to receive assistance from others and felt frustrated. I try to be patient and understanding but what set me off today was that today 3 days after the assignment was due the professor sends an email with a website that will difficult to navigate but might be helpful in completing the assignment?! REALLY!? After the assignment is due this person offers a small bit of obscure guidance and none from her personally or a note saying hey I know all of you have already completed this but I want to give you some feedback and the opportunity to change it if necessary based on this information I failed to provide you when I should have. My apology." Okay so I am living in a fantasy world I guess. For me I will mark this as another learning experience of what type of teacher I do not want to be.
It has been suggested I write to her and thank her for the information but I will not do so for I am afraid of what else I might say. I also want to desperately call a few other people at LCSC and tell them how unhappy I am about this learning experience I received in this class- I actually feel robbed in some ways.
Okay time to get off of my soap box and get back to work.